Lindell: Trump Will Ride The Loch Ness Monster Into D.C. On August 13th and ‘Retake His Throne’

Published on

On August 13th, a triumphant Donald John Trump will mount a saddled Loch Ness monster — “Nessie” as she’s known the world over — and ride that beast back into Washington, D.C., where will be “set back down upon his gilded throne.” At least, that’s what MyPillow CEO and crack cocaine aficionado Mike Lindell believes will happen.

“You know, everyone wants to tell me that just because what I say isn’t based in reality, that somehow it cannot happen,” Lindell told Jack Posobiec on OAN this morning. “However, Jack, you’ll notice they have no proof that Nessie won’t bring Donald Trump back into D.C. to be set back down upon his gilded throne. Just like they can’t prove there isn’t a God! BOOM! CHECKMATE!”


The United States Constitution contains no language or process for removing a sitting president and installing the person they defeated. Lindell insists that there was a “special presidential decree” that Trump signed while he was still in office that will enable him to “side step the anti-Trumper Founding Fathers.”

“King God Forever President Trump’s order specifically states that all election results will be null and void under three conditions,” Lindell suggested. “One, if the votes for the Democrats are higher than 90% of MAGAs can even count to. Two, if a Democrat winning will hurt the sitting president’s extremely fragile ego and feelings. Third, if a Democrat wins. CHECKMATE AGAIN!”

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA) told Newsmax TV that she “completely and totally” believes Lindell’s theories.

“Mike and I have shared a crack dealer for decades, so we go way back. I know his brain to be every bit as sharp, agile, and focused on reality as my own,” Greene said. “Why would he lie? Just because he’s an unstable psychopath with a tenuous grip on his own sanity? Just because he has a vested interest in not being put right the fuck out of business by Dominion for lying about their machines? Give me a break.”

Joe Biden is scheduled to be president for another three and a half years.


Become a Patron!

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

Latest articles

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less...

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that...

I Interviewed the Condom Donald Trump Didn’t Use When He Ivanka’d Stormy Daniels

"Prophylactic Americans have senses just like everyone else. And would YOU want to ever...

Who Hasn’t Told a Woman She Reminds Us of Our Child Right Before We Put Our Penis In Her?

"Turns out, most of us don't think about our kids before we fuck someone....