Pepe Le Pew and Mr. Potato Head’s Penis Lead Early 2024 GOP Polls

Published on

In the world of politics, it is never too early to think about the future. Right now, it might seem like a certain tangerine tinted white collar criminal might have the inside track on the 2024 Republican presidential nomination, but that is another three years away, and so much can happen between now and then. The truth is that in the modern age, the election cycles have expanded so much that it’s not uncommon for polls to be conducted just after Election Day to see who the losing party might want to nominate the next time around.

One such recent poll, conducted by We Poll You So Hard, may come as a real surprise to Joe Biden’s racist troll predecessor.

MORE: Texas GOP Wants to Repeal Voting

“In our recently conducted interviews, we asked people who they would prefer to be the Republican candidate in 2024,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieux, We Poll You’s chief data scientist, told reporters this morning. “The list included the former president, Dr. Seuss’s early racist works, Pepe Le Pew, and Mr. Potato Head’s penis. Those two were nearly tied, 40% for Mr. Le Pew and 40% for the potato dong. Former President Tiny Hands clocked in at 18%.”

It’s not surprising to Dr. Hornaydieux that polls show Le Pew and Mr. Potato Head’s penis leading the field.

“Over the last couple of weeks, prominent Republicans and conservatives have been talking non-stop about cancel culture coming for Pepe Le Pew and Potato Head’s junk,” Hornaydieux said. “So basically, Potato Head and Le Pew are getting the kinds of free publicity Trump got back when he started his campaign in 2015, and Republican voters are desperate to find someone who can actually beat Joe Biden. Because Donald Trump did not beat Joe Biden, no matter much he and his followers claim he did.”

Neither Mr. Lew Pew nor Potato Head provided comment on this story.

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.

RELATED: Dear Liberals: You Will Pry Mr. Potato Head’s Penis From Our Cold, Dead Hands


 

Like what you read? Consider signing up for my free newsletter. If you want my satire completely ad-free, just sign up for my Patreon at any level.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

Latest articles

I Asked a Klansman If He’s Voting For Biden Since They’re Both Democrats. He Punched Me.

"Man, it's really true what they say about Democrats. They're snowflakes." We all know a...

For Conservatives, Fart Naps Are Quickly Replacing Power Naps

"While some might casually observe the irony in someone who belittles his opponent as...

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less...

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that...