Laura Ingraham Opens Up About The Diarrhea Where Her Heart, Soul, Mind Are Supposed To Be

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NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Yesterday, Fox News and syndicated talk radio host Laura Ingraham took to Twitter to mock David Hogg, a survivor of the horrific Valentine’s Day massacre at a high school in Parkland, Florida, for being rejected by four colleges he had applied to. In a bit of unexpected irony, Ingraham’s tweet maligned Hogg for “wining about” his rejection, and noted that UCLA “dinged” him for only having a 4.1 GPA and recent polling shows estimated 89% of Ingraham’s fans boasted a 1.4 GPA during their homeschooling and subsequent Bible college matriculation.

Ingraham was roundly criticized on the left for her tweets about Hogg. She is not the only conservative to assail Hogg and a few of his fellow classmates in the wake of the shooting. Ms. Ingraham is a very outspoken supporter of a very wide interpretation of the Second Amendment, and Mr. Hogg helped found the #NeverAgain movement and organize the #MarchForOurLives, both of which call for gun reform.

Ms. Ingraham’s tweet, below.

Perhaps in an effort to mitigate some of the damage, Ingraham took time on her radio show today to address not only the tweet, but the underlying condition she says forced her to send it.

“I’m going to open up a little bit here, fam, and tell you about a medical condition I have that I have tried my whole life to keep under wraps,” Ingraham told her audience. “I have a condition that it turns out isn’t all that rare in my profession. Hannity has it. Limbaugh has it. O’Reilly has it.”

Ingraham’s condition, while not fatal, does kill all compassion, empathy, and logic that could possibly occur within her body.

“You see, guys, where my heart and mind are is just a molten river of diarrhea,” Ingraham said. “Just, a hot, molten swirling pool of putrid, acidic, toxic poison. So anything that would prevent me from lashing out and mocking survivors of gun violence is complete absent from my entire physical being.”

Ingraham said that while she has kept this medical condition of hers a tightly-held secret, there have been little clues that people could have picked up on that led them to conclude she was at least partially made from diarrhea.

“Sleeping with Dinesh D’Souza and even at one time being willing to marry him probably should have tipped someone off to the fact that I can hang around fecal matter and not lose my lunch,” Ingraham said. “So if anyone had really been paying attention, they’d have probably been able to deduce something along the lines of me not having a conscience, but instead a roiling, bubbling cauldron of stinking, liquid shit where it would be in most humans.”

Mr. D’Souza issued a statement defending Ingraham and her tweets.

“It is true, as a fellow Fecal American I can confirm that my former lover Laura Ingraham has a whole lot of diarrhea inside of her,” D’Souza’s statement reads. “But I will also say that these little cultural Marxists don’t deserve any sympathy or care just because their friends were murdered. If they were Republicans demanding abortion restrictions or more guns we could talk, however that is not the case here. But to reiterate — I am a piece of shit, and Laura is full of shit.”

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James‘ satire can be found on this siteAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, and The Pastiche Post.

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