WICHITA, KANSAS — At the time of publication, sources close to Charles and David Koch have confirmed the multi-billionaire, free-market-capitalist-libertarian brothers were on the phone with customer service for the Republican Party, seeking a refund for the purchase of Scott Walker.
When Walker — who currently serves as the governor of Wisconsin — dropped out of the 2016 Republican primary race, many on the Hill wondered how his purchasers would handle the news. The Kochs had funneled large sums of cash into Walker’s coffers to fight against his recall, and had committed even larger amounts to his now failed presidential run. “We just wanted the best president we could buy,” Charles Koch told Entrepreneurship and Capital Management Magazine back in April. But with Walker bowing out of the race, the Charles is reportedly desperate to recoup at least some of the money he promised to “dump by the truckload” on Walker back in April.
“What are we going to do,” David Koch reportedly asked his brother frantically as he picked up the phone and dialed 1-800-OLI-GARK — the Republican National Committee’s special hotline setup for large donors and Super PACs — pawing at the keypad to get to Customer Service. ” Reportedly, the brothers briefly considered a plan that would swap out Governor Walker with a poor, black man, literally pushing Walker out of his plush lifestyle as a Koch-backed candidate and into exile, while they propped up their new protege, but decided that idea sounded a little too far-fetched, though certainly potentially very comical. Ultimately, the two decided their best bet was to try and negotiate as much a refund as possible from the RNC.
Reince Priebus, the chairman of the RNC, however, was at first reluctant to give the Kochs back any of their money. “Look, as Republicans we believe first and foremost in American God, second and second most in the Free Markets, and lastly and last most about the Republican Party, in that order,” Priebus reportedly told the Kochs before asking them, “what kind of Republican would I be if I just let you guys have your money back? Free markets, bitches. You knew the risks, you backed our top prospect, and he was a bust.”
After hours of intense back and forth, it was decided that the Kochs would be allowed to have most of their donations back. Walker’s campaign would return the money the Kochs had supplied it, and Charles and David would be free to donate to the next candidate. However, as part of the agreement, the Kochs agreed to pay a 20% restocking fee for Walker, who will be put back on a shelf in the Wisconsin governor’s mansion for another four years, when he may be dusted, taken off the shelf and purchased again by any wealthy donors wanting to take a chance on an anti-intellectual, anti-populist pandering politician.
“We are pleased to be getting the majority of our money back from our errant purchase of Governor Scott Walker,” David Koch said in a statement shortly after hanging up with customer service. Mr. Koch added that he and his brother “have learned [their] lesson” and will “only be buying candidates after the primary season is over” so they can “pick someone that has a chance of winning, instead of the total losers [they] keep backing.”
Charles Koch told reporters later in the day that he is “just grateful to live in a country where anyone can buy the president” and that “dreams do come true in America, as long as you can afford them.”
“As long as corporations are people in this great nation of ours,” Charles said, “then the American Dream of being born, inheriting your father’s fortune, becoming a right-wing zealot libertarian, then abusing nonsensical and anti-democratic campaign finance laws to outright purchase the favor of someone running for the highest office in the land, ensuring you access to the people who can help write even more nonsensical and anti-democratic laws to help further separate you from the plebes, can all come true, and that is enough to keep me and Davey happy for now.”
The Kochs chose not to reveal their short list of candidates they’d like to purchase next, though speculators say that judging by their last choice, they may end up backing a box full of tin cans, as it would have all the charisma, charm and intellect of Walker, without the baggage.
