WASHINGTON, D.C. — After one of its most volatile weeks since the Great Recession last week, which saw multiple steep drops on the Dow and S&P 500, trading opened today far worse than even the futures market indicated it could. At the opening bell, the Dow plummeted nearly 2,000 points, triggering an automatic halt put in place to prevent an outright crash.

The drop in stock prices this morning equaled a 7% decline in value in just a matter of minutes.

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White House Senior Bullshit Artist Kellyanne Conway, answering questions as she arrived for work today, attempted to calm spooked investors and average Americans.

“I don’t know what the so-called mainstream media is reporting about a crash. I see no crash in the markets,” Conway said. “In fact, what we see, what your dear president sees, is an alternative bull market. We’re not in the middle of a free fall, we’re in the middle of an alternative spike in prices!”

As his trade war with China has dragged on, and a nearly trillion dollar deficit has opened up in the American budget under his leadership, President Trump and his surrogates have clung to the market’s performance as one of the indicators that the economy is in the best shape it’s ever been in. The math indicates that Trump’s job creation performance is lagging behind the last three years of the Obama presidency. Economics experts have been wondering for months if there’s a slowdown or recession coming, considering that since 2008, the economy has moved steadily, if not sluggishly at times, upward, and the economy tends to work cyclically. 

“I think everyone needs to take a chill pill and let Trump do what he does. Let him Trump us into and out of this moment in our history,” Conway added. “But I don’t even know why people are even concerned, truly. The market is alternatively booming because investors are alternatively confident in our alternative leadership during this whole Toyota Corollavirus thing.”

Conway urged investors and average Americans who might just have a 401(k) retirement account that relies on the stock market for its value to “calm their tits.” 

“Look, everyone needs to just calm down, okay? The alternatively greatest president of all time will alternatively lead us out of this manufactured, media driven crisis just as he’s done so many times in his life,” Conway insisted. “Think about it, when you think of Donald Trump, you think of a lifetime of alternative success. From steaks to bottled water, from casinos to alternatively real universities, there’s nothing this great man hasn’t alternatively accomplished, and he’ll keep right on winning and achieving great, bigly things!”

Before heading into the White House for her day’s work to begin, Conway implored Americans to “remember all the alternative accomplishments” of the Trump administration. Those achievements, Conway insisted, should provide “real comfort in our Dear President” and his ability to lead the nation through the coronavirus crisis. President Trump was “chosen by God for this moment,” Conway said.

“Whether it’s the glorious wall that Mexico’s paying for, draining the swamp, or one of the many alternative accomplishments I’ve just listed, Americans know by now that this president, our Dear President, is built for these kinds of challenges,” Conway said, “and he’ll sue the living hell out of anyone who dares to say otherwise.”

At the time of publication, the Dow was down more than 1,200 points.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.