This morning, Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh emailed Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson to “give some pointers” and “do a little bit of pre-orientation” with her. Judge Brown is President Joe Biden’s first Supreme Court nominee, and would fill an upcoming vacancy created when Justice Stephen Breyer retires from his lifetime appointment.
She would also be the very first African American female on the bench, something former White House senior racism adviser Stephen Miller called “almost as bad as the Reconstruction Acts for traditional American values.”
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Among the handful of topics that Kavanaugh addressed, one might come as a surprise to many Americans. According to Justice Kavanaugh, each and every member of the court must submit to a breathalyzer test before hearing oral arguments. If the justice is too drunk to hear arguments, the hearing must be postponed, Kavanaugh insisted.
“Hey, what’s up m’lady? I just cracked a tallboy (I like beer, by the way, in case you want to get me some kind of gift, which all incoming Supreme Court Justices do, FYI), and I was thinking about how I want to help you in ways that nobody helped me when McConnell and Trump rammed me into place, no matter whether I was wanted there or not (a feeling I’ve gotten very used to over the years, by the way),” Kavanaugh’s email began. “So, if you don’t mind, I’d like to give some pointers and maybe do a little bit of pre-orientation with you now, in this email.”
Kavanaugh advised Judge Jackson that if she is confirmed, she, like all Supreme Court Justices, will have to submit to a breathalyzer test, and pass it, before she’s able to hear oral arguments at a hearing.
“Nobody told ME about it before my confirmation, and I can’t find any reference to it before I was on the bench, but Chief Justice Roberts swears up and down we ALL have to blow into that little tube in front of us before the hearing starts,” Kavanaugh wrote. “So, just a heads-up, you might wanna only have your breakfast beers, but not your lunch or after-lunch beers the day we hear cases. Otherwise, you might blow too high a number, and then they make you sleep it off in the coat room.”
Kavanaugh made sure to reiterate “something very extremely important” before ending his email.
“I LIKE BEER,” Kavanaugh wrote. “I WON’T APOLOGIZE FOR IT! I LIKE BEER!”
