Investigators Find Justice Thomas’ Pubes on Forged Electoral Certificates

Published on

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an attempt to keep defeated President Donald J. Trump in power beyond when the Constitution provided for his departure from office, a wide-ranging scheme was concocted, according to several published accounts. In the wake of the 2020 election, Trump had lost to Joe Biden, but several prominent conservatives — including the wife of a Supreme Court Justice, devised and hatched a plan that included sending forged, fraudulent electoral certificates to federal election authorities, claiming Trump should get those states’ Electoral College votes.

Reports surfaced last week that Ginni Thomas, wife of renowned 80’s porno connoseirur and Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, was one of the signatories on the forged certificates. While constitutional law scholars and experts might debate whether the forgeries and related scheme constitute a seditious conspiracy, still yet another wrinkle is now being reported. According to sources close to the situation, federal investigators have turned up evidence linking Thomas himself to the forged certificates.

Experts Agree: Four Out of Five MAGAS Can’t Make Their Cousins Climax

“As Johnny, Susie, and Billy — some of our top detectives — were cleaning up their work desks and putting files away for the night, they discovered a pubic hair,” the FBI source told us moments ago via Skype. “At that point in time, we began our DNA record search, looking for any possible matches.”

When the FBI’s investigators cracked open a file from Justice Thomas’ Senate Confirmation hearings, that’s when our source says they were able to “make a positive identification match” between the pube they found and Justice Thomas.

“Apparently someone had saved one of the infamous Coke can pubes, from the Anita Hill testimony. At the time, I’m sure it didn’t seem like it was something that should be saved,” our source told us. “However, several advancements in DNA sequencing technology have allowed us to determine that not only is the pubic hair we found one of Thomas’s, he’s the one who put his own pube on the Coke can, and then claimed to have found it, which is still, to this day, one of the most idiotic and strange ways to sexually harass a co-worker we have ever heard of.”

Justice and Mrs. Thomas could not be reached for comment.

Joe Rogan Took a Shower Live on His Podcast and Still Didn’t Believe Water is Wet

Become a Patron!

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.


 

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

Latest articles

Betrayal? RFK’s Brain Worms Just Endorsed Donald Trump

"Much like how an Evangelical Christian can read the Bible and not know anything...

Every Former President Ranked from Least to Most Felony Convictions

Our regular readers will likely recall that part of our mission statement here --...

When Will Biden Call Off His War on Rapey Conmen Coup Conspirators?

The following editorial was written by Jethro Bohiggins -- a pro-MAGA singer/songwriter and podcast...

The RNC Will Officially Change Its Platform to Be Very, Very, Very, Very Soft on Crime

"...you need to do what happens to my TOTALLY NORMAL AND ABOVE-AVERAGE LENGTH PEEN...