WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Supreme Court of the United States of America is expected to issue rulings this summer that could have wide-ranging impacts on social, political, and even economic fronts. The highest court is expected to rule on a handful of appeals that could effectively legalize same-sex marriage nationwide, as well as rule on a new challenge to Obamacare — the Affordable Care Act under another name. At a recent dinner hosted by conservative oil tycoon Richard H. Ubrees, Justice Antonin Scalia admitted to a handful of reporters in attendance that he was having a hard time focusing on both cases before him.
“I guess I’m just too focused on the gay sex participators to think too much about whether I should help strip healthcare access away from millions of poor and elderly people,” Scalia told the press. The 79-year-old Reagan appointee has in the past compared laws to barring homosexual behavior to laws barring murder said to reporters that he had focus split between “steadfastly defending the rights of the scared and past their prime to hold down people for no good reason at all” and “steadfastly defending the right of the super-wealthy to grasp every dime within their fingers so tightly there is nothing left to heal the sick and poor.”
Scalia would say later that night that he wishes he had more time so he could write the “best pedantic, self-aggrandizing and bitter opinions that defend an antiquated status quo” that both his fans and his critics have come to love. “It’s just so hard to come up with superfluous, feckless, hyperbolic, reality-deprived drivel that I pass off as enlightened legal pontification for two big subjects at a time. I want to be able to pour invective into my opinions for both subjects at historical levels, but at my age I just don’t have the pep in my step I once did. So I’m afraid that some of my high-minded vitriol for those damned uppity gays and poors demanding equal treatment under the law will be watered down.”
“It’s a hard life for a curmudgeonly defender of systemic oppression,” Scalia told reporters. “No one knows how hard it is to do the mental gymnastics it takes in 2015 to actually believe that keeping gay people from getting married is the right thing to do. No one knows how hard it is to twist your brain up into such an intellectual pretzel that you somehow can justify making a decision that would rip access to doctors and medicines away from poor people over a simple matter of verbal semantics. This shit is hard, yo! Mad hard. And it only gets harder as life goes on and modernity creeps ever further into the American way of life.”
Scalia said “I just can’t stop thinking about butt-sex. I mean, if these people would just stop doing things that their neighbors don’t want them to do in the privacy of their own homes, none of this would matter. I just can’t stop cogitating on anal sex. It’s almost all I think about these days. Who’s having it, why, and how much equality in their lives they want, despite the fact that they participate in it? Also, what’s it like and would I enjoy it…wait. What?”
Justice Scalia said that he had at one point asked his fellow eight other colleagues to consider “holding off on the bugger thing” to focus on “shredding Obamacare” but that they all felt they could multitask and handle two landmark decisions at the same time. “I told Johnny and C-Note that I think this was a bad idea, that my epic rants would be a little less epic, but they told me ‘Tony, you gotta chill, bruh.’ So we’ll see, but I still think we’re doing too much too soon.” Scalia said that while he is already firmly entrenched in his overall feelings about whether equal protection under the law really means that the law should be applied to everyone equally, he needs time to craft the best written way to stake out the case on behalf of the forces of repression possible.
“You don’t just pull meandering, vindictive, anachronistically insulting legal opinions out of your ass. You don’t just write scathing indictments of modernity on a whim, over a weekend,” Scalia told the reporters that night. “You craft them over months of writing. I need to be able to focus. One issue at a time. First the poor and sick should have been cast into the streets — where the Founders most assuredly would advocate they be relegated to. Then, we should have been left to determine the best way to tell the gays they aren’t worthy of a simple thing like marriage because we are intimidated by butt sex.”
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg, when asked for comment, sent our offices a simple, hand-written note.
“Justice Scalia? Yeah. He cray.”
