WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, after two of his ex-wives came forward with allegations that he was physically and verbally abusive toward them, White House aide Rob Porter tendered his resignation.
Porter will stay on to assure a “smooth transition” for his successor, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters yesterday. In a more shocking related development, it was reported that Chief of Staff John Kelly knew about the credible allegations last November, the FBI warned the White House about Porter’s past, and Kelly still promoted him. In fact, Mr. Porter helped write President Trump’s recent State of the Union address. However, despite Kelly even defending him earlier this week, saying he couldn’t “say enough good things about” him, Porter still decided to leave the White House.
Reportedly, President Trump was unhappy with Porter leaving. According to sources within the administration, he told Kelly with Porter’s departure, he was starting to feel like the “only abusive misogynist asshole left in this dump.” Kelly then tried to comfort and reassure the president.
“Sir, I too am absolutely devastated to lose such an amazing person as Rob was,” Kelly told his boss, “but hey, let’s get back on the horse, Big Guy, okay? Why don’t we go pull up some resumes and look at them together. I am confident we can find a guy every bit as abusive and chauvinistic as Porter was, and I promise you this, sir, I will defend that man with the same reckless abandon I defended Rob, and defend you.”
Trump, initially, didn’t seem to have his spirits lifted too much by Kelly’s pep talk and promise of hiring another abuser.
“I don’t know, John. I just don’t know,” Trump said. “Some days I think I must be the only one around here who knows the value in grabbing a pussy. Like I’m the only one who gets how important it is to treat women like nothing more than cum dumpsters, there for my gratification and nothing more, and that it’s totally acceptable to rough them up if they try to deny you. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only living boy in Washington, D.C. who gets that women are best kept as property, like quiet, little foreign fuck puppets, John.”
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Kelly nodded his head.
“I understand that, Mr. President, and so do a lot of your base,” Kelly said. “Don’t give up. Believe in the power of cultural misogyny. Believe in the ability of your base to ignore things in you they’d have impeached Bill Clinton and outright hung Barack Obama for. I promise you this, sir, you are not the only person who gets how great it is to abuse women in this town, not in this White House, and not in here…in my heart.”
Kelly patted the place on his chest where a normal human being, and not a slime-covered alien lizard creature like Kelly, would have their heart.
“I want to believe John,” Trump said, “I really do…but I’m just so sad.”
Suddenly, Kelly got an idea. He picked took his cell phone out and ordered some KFC from GrubHub. In 32 minutes, Trump, Kelly, and Huckabee Sanders were all enjoying buckets of fried chicken. Trump and Huckabee each got their own buckets, as Huckabee enjoys hers, as she does every food item, smothered in bacon grease, nacho cheese, and three kinds of gravy, and Trump likes his in suppository form. It was Hope Hicks’ turn to cram the extra tasty crispy up the president’s rectum, and she did so happily.
“Okay, I feel better now, John. Time to go retweet a white supremacist or two,” Trump said, his usual demeanor restored.
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