John Boehner to Sue Obama for ‘President-ing While Not Republican’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Speaker of the House John Boehner, like most conservative Republicans, is all for tort reform. In 2010, Boehner co-sponsored a bill that essentially gave drug companies carte blanche do what they wanted without fear of ever being sued. Conservatives argue that frivolous lawsuits are a cornerstone of Liberal America run amok. Boehner is so adverse to needless lawsuits that he and his fellow House Republicans filed one last November over Obamacare’s implementation to teach Americans a lesson about filing unnecessary legal complaints, and now Speaker Boehner is ready to teach Americans that same lesson again as he prepares to sue President Obama for his executive actions on immigration, and word on the Hill is that if the immigration lawsuit doesn’t stick, Boehner’s got one more lawsuit up his sleeves.

Presidenting While Not Republican.

According to anonymous sources somewhere within the political machinery of this nation, Boehner has been speaking with fellow Republicans Louie Gohmert, Jason Chaffetz, Steve King, and the group has done weeks of deep study of constitutional law. That studying has culminated in them finding what they believe is the silver bullet to end President Obama’s six year reign of economic recovery, progress in LGBT equality and acceptance, and health care reform, and they say it was buried way in the back of the Constitution’s oft-forgotten “other side.” According to Boehner and company, no election result is valid if it puts a Democratic president in office, because only Republicans can be real, American presidents, no matter how many votes Democratic candidates get.

The appendix, which is so rarely seen, discussed or heard about that you can’t find it in any Google searches, according to Boehner denotes another Three-Fifths Compromise. This time, it was a way to count votes for Democratic candidates. Democratic votes only count for two-thirds of a Republican vote. Therefore you have to subtract roughly forty percent from every non-conservative candidate’s vote tallies in all the elections ever held in the United States.

The Speaker was at a D.C. area Yum-Yum Donuts when he was approached by a group of reporters, peppering him with questions about this third potential lawsuit. Our reporter asked him where exactly the Constitution’s appendix could be viewed, to which Boehner said, “It’s there. Trust us. It’s there. But you don’t learn about it in your state-run education centers. You learn about it when you become a Republican. That’s when you find out that every Democrat elected since Kennedy was not a real president, and that Democrats always cheat the vote, no matter much there isn’t evidence to back it up.” Boehner told reporters he couldn’t produce the appendix because “it’s written on an old napkin from a pub that the Founders would go to after long sessions debating the Constitution.”

One reporter from The St. Petersberg Herald Trumpeter asked Boehner why the Founders might write such a law considering that the Republican Party didn’t exist until almost a hundred years after the country was founded. “Uh, I know, that’s weird. I guess you just have to say they knew more than we did,” Boehner replied. Another reporter asked Boehner if Obama could do anything to avoid this latest lawsuit. “Yeah, he can leave the Democratic Party.”

Our reporter asked Boehner if he could point to any policies or stances Obama has taken that would make him seem not Republicanny enough for his liking. “Obamacare,” Boehner blurted out. Then our reporter reminded Boehner that Obamacare is based on the Massachusetts law that was signed by Republican Mitt Romney, after it was crafted primarily in the Heritage Foundation’s think tank back when another non-Republican “president” — Bill Clinton — was in office, to which Boehner said, “Yeah, but he’s a Democrat.” Our reporter then pointed out that the Affordable Care Act basically acts like a stimulus bill for the medical insurance industry, since there is no public, taxpayer funded option, which would help make Boehner’s case that Obama’s a socialist instead of a left-of-center capitalist. Boehner just pretended to not hear our reporter.

A female reporter from The Maryville Scribe asked Boehner why his party is so upset about Obama’s immigration executive actions since Ronald Reagan — a Republican — did virtually the same thing. “Yeah, but you just it yourself, Missy. Reagan was what? That’s right. A Republican. Therefore — real president. Get it?”

“Look,” Boehner said as he was clearly growing tired of the ad hoc press conference, “I just want to eat my maple bar in peace, so let me be as blunt as I can be. We Republicans don’t acknowledge that there are Democratic voters. We don’t acknowledge that real patriots could possibly disagree with our regressive, status quo vision for the country. We reject the notion that anyone who really loves America would ever vote for a Democrat, and therefore we will never, ever accept one as president.

It’s not about their skin color, gender or anything else. I mean, it doesn’t help that Obama’s half-black and clearly there are states in the south where that means to a lot of people he’s half-satanic, but really, at the end of it all, it’s just that we’re so convinced that real Americans aren’t Democrats that we cannot accept one as president, and that’s why we start from day one of their time in office trying to find something — anything — to impeach them for.

Now, if we had any real balls we’d try to impeach the man. That is if we had balls and even a single leg to stand on that he’d committed a high crime or misdemeanor bad enough to convince Democrats to oust their president. But we don’t have those balls because the last time we did that, we looked like jackassed morons trying to impeach someone over a blowjob.

You have no idea how much I wish some intern would blow Obama in the White House and tell us about it…man would that make my job easier.

So this lawsuit, like the others, is probably total bullshit in that if our opponents were suing a Republican president over these things we’d call them sore losers and cry babies, and we’d tell them if they wanted to have so much a say in how things are run in the Executive Branch that they should stop trying to insinuate that people who vote against them are un-American losers instead of people they couldn’t convince to vote for their candidates. But it’s not about these lawsuits at the end of it all. It’s about us pandering to the people in this world who are just deathly afraid of things they don’t like or understand, and have been convinced that spending a dime of their tax dollars helping people is somehow antithetical to the teachings of the religion that most of us identify as our own, even though it’s really not.

Now that I’ve explained to you the whole Republican game, go away and let me drink my coffee with rum in it and eat my doughnut dunked in gin.”

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