WASHINGTON, D.C. — If it doesn’t involve college wrestlers in his care, then Congressman Jim Jordan will be the most tenacious investigator of accused malfeasance anyone has ever seen.
Provided that he doesn’t have to look into any allegations of misconduct against someone in his own political party, particularly the president, then Mr. Jordan will be there in a flash, to uncover evidence of great wrongdoing. And if there’s an accusation that doesn’t have to do with his players being sexually assaulted, or his president committing numerous crimes and impeachable offenses, and is instead remotely related to a Democrat, then Rep. Jordan will not rest until he puts all the pieces of his jigsaw together, lack of sports coat and all.
So it surprised no one on the Hill today when, while eating his lunch in the cafeteria, Jordan started wondering aloud about the 2020 election, what he sees as “easily seen fraud,” and what connections it might have to both Benghazi and the secret kill list kept by aging, senile, decrepit, but extremely dangerous lethal assassin, former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton.
“Dr. Fauci wants to cancel Christmas, which is 100% a Democrat idea hatched in Soros Labs,” Jordan spoke out in his usually sermon-like tones, his ever-balding pate glistening with sweat, and pieces of chicken fried steak falling from his mouth as he went, “and everyone wants us to believe this election wasn’t clearly rife with fraud…at least the ones we didn’t win, even in states we are not contesting, and also please do ignore the fact that we are not in any way contesting states that we won, implying all this rampant fraud we’re accusing everyone is all one-sides.”
Jordan paused a moment, to gather his energy again. Also to let out a fart and blame it on the custodial staff, which he accused of “being an obvious Antifa spy planted by Obama to help Killary suppress her kill list which was why Benghazi was attacked.”
“The only thing I cannot fathom, folks,” Jordan continued, “is who is on the kill list, which we know is real because why would Steve Bannon or Roger Stone lie? It goes all the way to the top, and I’m not even talking about George Soros, Barack HUSSEIN Obama, or Dwayne ‘The Rock Johnson.'”
Another moment was taken by Jordan. When someone walked by watching a YouTube video on the Ohio college wrestling sexual assault scandal he actively pretends to know nothing about, Jordan grabbed the woman’s smart phone and hurled it across the cafeteria, shouting as he did, so he didn’t even hear the audio as the phone tumbled through the air. Taking a sip from his cup of black coffee, laced with just the slightest soupcon of methamphetamine, before wrapping up his rant for the moment, promising to let another one loose “sometime in the next five or ten or one minute.”
“Maybe everything the folks on our side is spewing is just plain, utter garbage trash nonsense bullshit,” Jordan started, “but when does that mean what we’re saying doesn’t have some kernel of truth worth exploring with billions of dollars either given to us by the taxpayers, or our extremely gullible, cultish base? Exactly. Checkmate, Killary.”
As he walked away from his tray, Jordan stopped suddenly and shouted.
“HUNTER BIDEN’S LAPTOP!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.