“The simple truth is that between me, Ted Cruz, and Defense Secretary Petey Wifebeaty, the president’s balls will almost never be left unattended…” – Rep. Jim Jordan (Q-OH)
This morning, I woke up to an email from a sitting United States Congressman. Over the years, I’ve gotten used to the occasional missive from a member of our legislative bodies, so seeing an official email addressed to me wasn’t too shocking. In fact, there wasn’t really anything shocking or surprising about the email I got from Rep. Jim Jordan (Q-OH) this morning.
“James, I just wanted to email you, and get out ahead of what I can only assume will be your incessant questions about King God President Donald J. Trump’s executive order freezing all federal aid spending,” the email began. “Let me assure you, as much as this falls outside of what the Constitution mandates in terms of Congress holding the purse strings, I do believe it is time for radical change, and that a scant plurality of the American people decided to make that radical change, so that’s why I have no problem giving my powers as a congressman to Trump’s ballsack.”
Rep. Jordan explained to me that he believes it’s okay to transfer fiduciary powers that the Constitution gives to Congress to the White House for a couple of reasons. Mostly, Jordan believes that there will “always be someone near or around” Trump’s balls, fluffing, shining, and shaving them so that the hairs don’t get stuck in his First Lady’s teeth.
“And whether it’s Melania, Ivanka, or Elon…ia playing the part, we know whoever his First Lady might be, they’ll appreciate his royal balls being hairless, if not wrinkle-free, given his age,” Jordan wrote. “The simple truth is that between me, Ted Cruz, and Defense Secretary Petey Wifebeaty, the president’s balls will almost never be left unattended, and therefore, someone will always be there to give him sound advice he can then reject and do whatever he wants to do anyway.”
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Cancun) confirmed his support for Trump’s blatant power grab, citing Jordan’s logic and adding to it.
“My friend Jim is quite right – I personally plan to barnacle myself to His Royal Highness’s undercarriage something fierce this time around,” Cruz wrote, “and even my wife, Ugly Heidi, has told me I need to do it. In fact, she told me that if it means I never get to see her again, she’s totally fine with me living in the White House and surgically attaching myself to the president’s genital region. My daughters’ father really seemed to like this plan, as well.”
Kill twenty more minutes with us, would ya?!
