“What do they even need with me, when they have that sausage-fingered rapist they clearly worship more than me anyway?” – Jesus Hubert Christ
Don’t ask me how or why it all started, but for several years now, Jesus Hubert Christ and I have shared a fun, and oftentimes enlightening relationship. Oh, I’m not a Christian; not anymore. That’s not what my relationship with Jesus Hubert is all about. It’s more like friendship based in a mutual love of Jersey Mike’s Original Italian Sub…but that’s a story for another time.
Every week, unless one of us has more pressing issues on our plate, Jesus Hubert and I have a phone call that lasts anywhere from twenty minutes to a couple of hours. With his birthday coming up in just a couple of weeks, I wanted to ask Jesus Hubert if there was anything special he wanted for Christmas. His answer was as illuminating as it was blunt and to the point.
Below is a transcript of my call with Jesus Hubert Christ.
Jesus Hubert Christ: What do I want for Me-Mas this year? Oh, dude. Not a whole lot, really. But, well, there is one thing that would it be really cool to get…though, I’m not sure it’s really possible.
James Schlarmann: Oh? What’s that, JH?
Jesus Hubert: Well…if someone, really anyone, could convince those red-hatted, Incel dorks to leave me out of Christmas, that would be the best present anyone has ever gotten me for my birthday…not that Christmas is anywhere near the day I was born, but that’s a horse of a different face. Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring Marjorie Taylor Greene up; that’s worse than killing all of humanity except one special family with a flood, know what I mean?
James: Yup, I do know what you mean.
Jesus Hubert: I thought you would. It’s just, well, they’re so cringe. So fucking cringe. Why would anyone want to be associated, even loosely, with a bunch of dorks who care about the people’s genitals in the stall next to them? Aren’t they there to take a piss and shit like the rest of us?
Like I said…CRINGE.
James: But, what are you saying, that you wish someone would convince those right-wing authoritarian shit-wits to make Christmas about someone else, instead of you, Jesus Hubert Christ?
Jesus Hubert: Bingo, bango, bongo, Jambo. What do they even need with me, when they have that sausage-fingered rapist they clearly worship more than me anyway?
James: But what about all that merch that says, “Keep Christ in Christmas,” what should they do with all that stuff?
Jesus Hubert: Burn it like they do with any book that isn’t “The Art of the Deal” or that Dad-awful Bible they’re lining up to buy from Fartnaps McRapesalot, for all I care, dude.
James: Fair point, bro. Same time next week?
Jesus Hubert: Sure, but pencil it in, because I have a family therapy session with Mom and Dad that same day. Apparently she’s ready to talk about that whole “I was raped into being the mother of the Son of God” thing. I guess about 2000 years was long enough for her stay quiet about it.
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