Jesus Christ to Anti-Abortionists: ‘Maybe You Could Try Taking Care of the Ones That Are Already Born, Too?’

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THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — The highly and suggestively edited sting videos that allege Planned Parenthood to be an “abortion factory that sells baby parts” as Fox News host and conservative pundit Bill O’Reilly put it have kicked up a storm of rhetoric on all sides of the abortion debate, but particularly from the anti-abortion groups. The videos, which are clearly edited to inject a narrative that wasn’t part of the original, unedited footage, have already prompted a failed attempt in the U.S. Senate to defund the non-profit women’s health group, even though the Hyde Amendment expressly forbids Planned Parenthood, or any other healthcare provider, from getting federal funds for abortion and Planned Parenthood’s abortion services account for roughly 3% of the medical services the group performs for poor women in the country.

With so many of those who are attempting to turn back the clock on the abortion issue claiming to do so out of deeply held, Christian religious beliefs, Jesus Hubert Christ, self-described Son of God and The World’s First Premier Socialist put together a press conference in the lobby of the Heavenly Hotel and Spa in the downtown area of the Kingdom of Heaven, speaking to an assembled group of dead reporters who then transmitted the details of the presser to The Political Garbage Chute via fax.

“There has been a lot of talk about abortion down on Earth, in the United States lately,” Christ opened his press conference adding, “and a lot of people down there are invoking my name as a reason for pushing to end funding for a group that provides health care services to poor women.” Jesus then reportedly took a deep breath, continuing, “Now you’d think that people who claim to know everything about my teachings would reject that craziness on its face. I mean, I’m the guy who hung out with lepers and whores. I’m the guy who healed the sick, gave sight to the blind, and pretty much my number one, overriding message was to take care of the least among you. So clearly anyone wanting to take healthcare away from the poor shouldn’t even remotely be comparing their views to mine,” Christ emphatically stated.

Christ said that while he “totally gets” why people would be “hyperbolically emotional over what they perceive as millions of fully-grown baby bodies littering the streets” that they need to “get a grip and deal with the scientific fact that the overwhelming number of abortions performed in that country are done so before the little life form can even process its own existence.” He went onto say that he doesn’t “understand why they don’t get how rare late-term abortions are, how very few clinics actually perform them, and how mostly they’re done when the life of the mother is at serious risk.”

“I mean, that woman’s not going to be able to have any babies in the future if she dies giving birth to one that’s also dying,” Christ said, “so let’s just stop pretending that a lot of eight month old fetuses are being aborted; that’s just not even remotely true.” Jesus told reporters that while he’s confused by their inability to understand the science behind abortion, he is downright angry at anti-abortionists who advocate gutting the social safety net in addition to wanting to make abortion illegal.

Jesus said that “people who want to force rape victims to have their rapist’s baby but don’t want to give a dime to help that poor woman raise the baby they’re forcing her to have piss [him] off so much.” Christ reminded reporters that “not once did [he] mention abortion in the Bible, because [he] had bigger fish to fry…after I made them magically multiply.” Christ said he’d prefer that anti-abortionists direct their Christian compassion at the babies that are actually born.

“You know, someone asked me the other day while we were out golfing at Heavenly Pebble Beach what I’d say to these anti-abortionists if I had a chance,” Christ told the reporters. “You know what I’d say? I’d say, ‘maybe you could try taking care of the ones that are already born, too,’ that’s what I’d say to them.” Christ said that he thinks it’s “impossible to claim to be pro-life, but be against spending any money to help make life worth living for people.”

“They call it theft, taxation, and yet they drive on the roads, they call the cops when they need them, and they damn sure are praying to me within 30 seconds of their house catching on fire that the taxpayer-funded firemen come and put their house out,” Jesus said as he was wrapping up the press conference. “It’s like they skip over the whole ‘render unto Caesar what it is Caesar’s’ thing I talked about. But that’s fine. Ignore that if you will. But you can’t claim to be Christian and ignore my number one guiding principle — treating the lowest among us right. And I’m sorry, but robbing them of their reproductive autonomy is not right. There are millions of unwanted children already on that planet. Here’s the bottom line for me, Jesus Hubert Christ — Until I see empty orphanages, I’m not going to listen to empty bleating from empty-headed simpletons about the right to life, because they don’t believe in a right to life; they believe in their right to force births. They’re not Christians, therefore, they’re fascists.”

Just as he was walking away, Christ said one more thing. “If my dad and I are good with give you all free will to make these kinds of decisions yourselves, your government should be okay with it too. Just sayin’.”

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