Jesus Christ Writes Open Letter To 37% Of Alabama Evangelicals More Likely To Vote For Moore AFTER Allegations

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KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — In a new poll from JMC Analytics, almost 40% of Alabama evangelicals said that recent allegations of sexually predatory behavior by Judge Roy Moore toward teenage girls when he was in his twenties and thirties make them more likely to vote for him, not less.

Jesus Hubert Christ, the Executive Vice-President of Holy Trinity, Inc., addressed this poll, as it pertains to people who associate themselves with his and his father’s afterlife luxury resort, either as employees or future guests in an open letter. The letter was then sent to every media outlet, blog, and social media page via the Heavenly Information Distribution Network. We have chosen reprint this open letter in its entirety, below.


Do you really think it hasn’t caused some real, serious shit between Dad and me, the whole ‘immaculate statutory rape’ thing? I mean, we’ve gone to therapy and have worked our shit out guys. It’s cool between us now, but really. How in the Holy Living Hell do you justify defending, let alone voting for, Judge Roy Moore after you find out he was a sexual predator? Don’t give me this “Mary was 14” bullllllshit. That’s my mom you’re talking about, you douchebags. Leave her out of this mess.

…Mesus Christ.

Let me get this straight: You guys care about where transgender people piss and shit, because you lie about how whether that makes someone more likely to be attacked in a bathroom. But you think several women are lying about Roy Moore, just because he happens to be a Republican? Dad have mercy that’s so hypocritical it might actually stop time!

Even if we forget the fact that you’re trying to use your religion as justification for the debauched predatory machinations of a pious hebephile, you’re still making a criminal mistake in logic. Why would you ever judge a modern issue with modern concerns through the lens of an ancient time? That just makes no sense at all to me, and if you’d really study my orientation manuals before your stay here, you’d understand why.

To everything turn, turn, turn. There is a season. Turn, turn, turn. And a time to every purpose under heaven.

Those aren’t just great lyrics, by the way. That’s a thing, we’re supposed to be talking about there. It means that there is one constant and that constant is change. Right now, in 2017, there is no need for a 14 year old to marry a man under any context, much less be pressured into touching his lecherous schvantz. 

Can we talk about that, too, really quickly? You all realize that even if we accept your biblical interpretation that you pretty much encourage sexual assault, inappropriate touching, and every other abusive sexual act to be forced on underage girls. You’re using my good name, and my Dad’s good name, to open up millions of young girls to abuse.

I mean, no offense guys, but fuck you if you think like that, I mean. Really.

The times have changed. You all haven’t been okay with preying on teenagers for sex in a long, long time. I ask you, if this were Anthony Weiner sexting underage girls again, would you be so quick to elect him? Of course not. That’s because calling out creepy pervs shouldn’t be a partisan issue, but you lot have made it one.

Let me put it to you this way — in an election between a sexual predator and anyone else, you choose the anyone else. Sure, if that sexual predator is going up against, I don’t know, Hitler McSatanface, maybe you go for the guy who preyed on 14 year olds. But I mean, other than that very much so not going to happen scenario, you have no reason to vote for a sexual predator. EVER.

Now, some of you might be asking me about “forgiveness.” After all, the idea of forgiveness is a huge part of what I did down there. I told you all to turn the other cheek, I told you all that I was dying to forgive your sins against me, so you should forgive other sins against you. But, guys? 

Forgiveness doesn’t mean giving creepy fucks a high position in your government. And I would say that anyone who thinks so is probably not to be listened to. This is ridiculous guys. Almost four out of every ten of you actually told people you’re more likely to vote for that douchebag now that allegations, believable and consistent allegations that show a clear pattern of sexual predation on minors, have been made. It’s so disgusting I don’t really know what else to tell you except…

Be better, guys. And if you’re not going to be, quit associating yourselves with me. 


Jesus Hubert Christ

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