Jesus Christ Denies Kim Davis’ Emergency Request for Miracle

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KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Embattled Rowan County, Kentucky Clerk Kim Davis has not had a very successful past few days. Last week she was jailed under contempt of court charges for refusing to do her sworn duty and issue marriage licenses regardless of the sexual orientation of those petitioning for the licenses. Davis has become the main symbol of right-wing ire over the Supreme Court’s historical judgement back in June that effectively made marriage equality the law of the land. But her jailing was just the first in a series of defeats for Davis over the last several days, and now her latest appeals to both her governor, and her divine savior, are being rejected.

First, on Tuesday, Kentucky Governor Steve Beshear said his office would not be getting involved in Davis’ case, calling it a “matter between [Davis] and the courts.”  Then, in a turn of events that sources close to Davis say have left her reeling and unsure of her next move, Jesus Hubert Christ — the Only Begotten Son of the deity that Davis says gives her the moral authority to discriminate and Chief Savior Officer of Holy Trinity, Inc., flatly denied her petition for a “miracle to end all miracles,” as Davis put it in her official Prayer Request Form 1469-B.

At a press conference this morning, Christ told reporters that Davis’ form had been received by his office, but that after careful consideration he and his father decided that “spending time rotting in a jail cell is the perfect way to invoke some real, hard reflection from Ms. Davis,” Christ said. Mr. Of Nazareth went on to say that “since Ms. Davis seems so resolute in her crusade to eschew my teachings of non-judgmental, brotherly, Agape Love, my father and I have no choice but to deny her request for miraculous divine intervention on her behalf” and that “instead, we prefer she sit in the corner and think about what she’s done until she’s ready to come out and behave like a rational, mature human being.”

“My teachings are quite clear — knock of the judgey-judgey shit and love one another,” Christ told reporters, “and Ms. Davis is doing the furthest thing possible from that. I don’t grant miracles to people who clearly don’t deserve them; sorry. I didn’t feed thousands of closed-minded bigots from a few loaves of bread and some fish; I fed truly hungry and needy people with a few loaves and some fish. I don’t reward crappy behavior; sorry not sorry.

Christ said that the official tone in his response letter to Davis was “professional, if curt” but that initially he’d wanted to be far more direct, and fare more “chiding” in tone. “You know what I wanted my official response to be,” Christ asked reporters rhetorically before answering himself, “I was going to send her a picture of my middle finger with a caption that read, ‘L-O-L’ followed by an ‘F that B.'”

“The bottom line,” Christ told reporters, “is that I’m never going to come and perform a miracle for someone like Kim Davis, at least not until she stops acting like Kim Davis. I would be ashamed of performing a miracle to help someone who is fighting for her ‘right’ to hurt other people. Even if you’re simple-minded enough to think that despite my never having directly spoken about it, that I’d have some hard-on for keeping gays unwed, you should know enough about me to understand I don’t help judgmental hypocrites; I expose them, and let them be held up as examples of how not to be a Christian.”

Christ said to reporters that “no woman who has been married four times, with the kind of procreative and sexual history Ms. Davis has” should be “casting any stones.” Christ said that “if marriage isn’t sanctimonious enough for you to try and salvage your first three, what gives you the right to claim you’re doing my work when you’re keeping gay couples from their first marriage?”

“And I have more news for Davis,” Christ said as he was ending the press conference, “and any other of my so-called followers who are hurting other people in my name. Stop it. Just stop it. Marriage wasn’t even the same institution it had been in the Old Testament by the time I came around. Traditions change. Institutions changes. Dare I say it — religions change. I mean, for my sake, I was a revolutionary figure who completely upended the church. I came and told everyone to toss all that Old Testament shit out. So if anything, you’d think that a group of people who profess to love me so much they follow every word I teach would be really into the idea of revolution, of change, of making things better than they were before,” Christ said in almost sad, conciliatory tone.

Then, after a beat, “But you’d be wrong if you thought all that. Because right-wing conservative trolls are the same now as they’ve ever been, and it doesn’t matter whose banner they march under; they’re always going to be in favor of hurting people, not helping them. So you know what? I’m not into helping a single, solitary, one of them. Let Ms. Davis sit in her cell for awhile; maybe she’ll have a real glimpse at the Grace of God and have a change of heart…but I won’t be holding my breath, will you,” Christ asked rhetorically as he left the press conference, thanking those in attendance.

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