KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Jesus Hubert Christ, son of Larry “God” Schumway, and Vice President of Holy Trinity, Inc., held an urgent press conference this morning. Christ urged any and all parents of transgender children living in the so-called “Bible Belt” to move their families to a more tolerant and inclusive part of the country.
In recent weeks, a spate of anti-transgender bills have passed in red states from Idaho to Texas to Florida. Texas and Florida each have bills expressly banning gender confirmation therapies, and Florida’s “Don’t Say Gay Bill” seeks to drastically tamp down on any conversations that might even tangentially mention sexual orientation in the classroom. The distinct impression that Christ gets from Republican state legislatures is that they do not, fundamentally, understand his most basic teachings.
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“At this point in time, I think it’s just better to be on the safe side, and pull your transgender kid out of school. Then, pull your family out of the state faster than Matt Gaetz pulls out of a high schooler…’s parents’ garage…after he fucks her,” Christ told heavenly reporters today. “It’s wild to me that all these people who claim to follow my teachings don’t get the most basic part — Agape Love. It literally means to love literally everybody because nobody is perfect and everyone deserves love.”
If he were still on Earth, Jesus says that he’d be “paying special visits” to Idaho, Texas, and Florida to speak with their Republican lawmakers.
“I could see me going all Money-Changers on their bigoted asses for sure. Then again, wouldn’t it just be some kind of, oh, I don’t know, MIRACLE if a few secret texts between them and their gay or transgender lover leaked to the press? I happen to know someone who can do miracles, just saying,” Christ laughed.
Before ending the press conference, Jesus laid out what he called the “basic ground rules” again for everyone.
“Just to reiterate — I love all the little children. I don’t do the whole ‘red and yellow’ thing anymore, because it’s weird and racist and I’ve never liked it,” Jesus said, “but for reals — I love all the little children. Gay or straight, trans or bi, they are dope kids in my sight. I love the little children of the world.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.
