He told me he was hoping I’d get a message out to someone he called a “dear old friend and co-rapist.”
Imagine my shock when the phone rang the other day.
Firstly, who even calls anymore except mortgage brokers harassing you about a refinance? Secondly, I actually answered the call, which was frankly as shocking as my receiving it. So, you can imagine how completely surprised I was to hear the voice on the other end of the call.
“Hi, it’s the Ghost of Jeff Esptein. I’m the rich guy who – ”
I cut him off.
“I know who were, Mr. Epstein,” I told him.
“Oh, good,” he told me.
“What are you calling me for, Mr. Epstein,” I asked him, not sure if he could actually hear the eyebrow I was raising going up on my forehead. He told me he was hoping I’d get a message out to someone he called a “dear old friend and co-rapist.” Not really being one to help people like Epstein, alive or dead, I told him to “Fuck off and re-die.”
“Sorry, it’s just that I’m really proud of my old pal,” Epstein’s ghost explained, “and I don’t have very many avenues anymore to tell him that. I tried contacting him through a mutually dead friend Roy Cohn, but that didn’t work either. I even tried calling the phone on my old jet, you know the one he rented during the campaign?”
While I told Epstein that I was not going to help him do anything at all, he’s the ghost of a white billionaire, and by law I had to let him keep speaking.
“All I’m asking you to do is tell my very good, close personal friend, who will be your next president again, that I am very proud of him winning another term,” Epstein said. “It’s one hell of a comeback, and usually the only comebacks I ever saw in regards to him were when he wiped his off the beauty pageant contestant’s shoes he’d just broken into her dressing room to spunk on.”
I threw up in my mouth, told Epstein again to go fuck himself, and hung up the phone. If anyone feels like passing his message along to the presi-rapist elect, I’d be much obliged.
Check out this episode of “Into the Garbage Chute,” if you have 22 minutes to spare:
