OLD BALLS, FLORIDA — Addressing a rally for her father, held in a small city just a few miles south of Orlando, First Lady Ivanka Trump implored voters to “think about the kinds of hands behind the wheel” of America’s leadership.

“Do you want someone with normal sized hands steering the ship? Call me crazy,” Ms. Trump said, “but I seem to remember that the captain of the Titanic had rather normal-sized hands. That meant he didn’t have the ability to steer the ship, grab a pussy, and get everyone safely away from the iceberg, and we all know how that story ends…Old Lady Kate Winslet throws that diamond over the side of the ship, and we can all agree that is something we have to avoid, here, in Daddy’s America!”

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Ivanka argued that “Joe Biden’s hands look way too normal-sized” for her to trust him at the ballot box. Her father always taught her, Ivanka said, that “men with small hands are better leaders and lovers.” She has yet to meet a single person who could dissuade her from believing her father was exactly right about that.

“Some people have said maybe I have a really screwed-up idea of what successful leadership or lovemaking looks like,” Ivanka explained, “but I’m sorry, this is America, and we are entitled to our own feelings and facts, and the simple truth is from my Daddy to my Not-Daddy Jared, every man I’ve ever met with small hands is a great leader and lover!”

Ms. Trump indicated that it’s not just small hands that indicate a man will be a good lover and leader; their genitals tell their own tale.

“Some people might think that you’re better off with a guy who has a normal dong-wanger,” Ivanka began, “and some might tell you that the size is far less important than whether it looks like a mushroom guy from Super Mario or whatever. I’m here to tell you, that’s fake news! The best lovers and leaders have small hands and even smaller, mangled genitals. It’s just fact, people-uh!”

The maskless crowd of middle school dropouts roared their approval.

“Trust me, folks,” Ivanka continued, “you do not want someone with their average sized hands or penis anywhere near the White House! How can you trust someone who can put on gloves designed for adult hands? Or whose genitals don’t like one giant syphilis sore wrapped in moldy bacon? The answer, of course, is that you can’t!”

In closing, Ivanka begged the rallygoers to “keep the Trump fires burning at all costs.”

“Light up as many lowercase T’s, you know for ‘Trump,’ as you can find, and put them on your neighbors’ lawns,” Ivanka suggested. “Ex-special-lee your non-white neighbors! Let ’em know who you’re voting for, and who they HAVE TO vote for! Because, America needs the leadership of small hands and even smaller genitals! God Bless President Daddy, and if God isn’t too busy, America too, I guess, whatever!”

The crowd once more roared in delight.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.