Reports and allegations that former, one term, twice permanently impeached, defeated President Donald J. Trump would go so far as to actually eat documents he wished to destroy are “cat-a-ma-gorically false-ish,” according to one woman who might know better than anyone — his former First Lady.

“I have to tell you, Sean, that I don’t think that my daddy’s enemas have any idea what he’s like. They tell all kinds of outlandish, fake stories about him. Stories that, anyone who knows him like I do, would know are completely fake as soon as you hear them,” Ivanka Trump told Sean Hannity in a radio interview that came shortly after her brother, Donald Trump Jr., did his own interview with Hannity.

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“Like, the whole eating documents thingy. Yes, he would eat documents, but he would not flush them! And it’s such an obviously fake story once you know that my daddy isn’t potty-trained! At least not well enough to be able to use the toilet for flushing anything down it! He’s almost as scared of being sucked down the toilet as he is of going up and down a flight of stairs without a handrail at anything faster than a gingerly, cautious pace.”

Mr. Trump’s lack of toilet training was such a cause of concern for his administration that his daughter was given the task of improving it.

“They said that since I had the most experience with and around his diaper area, that I should be the one to help him free himself from diapers, Sean,” Ivanka told Hannity. “So, if anyone knows about how utterly incompetent President Daddy is in the whole potty department, and knows that he just is not capable of using one, and therefore, this story is just complete fake news, it’s me, his daughter-lover!”