SOMEWHERE IN SYRIA — ISIS, in conjunction with the Taliban in Afghanistan, have issued a joint press release this morning, commending President Donald Trump’s anti-transgender military policy.
Last week, Trump announced — via Twitter — that he would be banning all future enlistment of transgender Americans. The move faced sharp criticism at home, from both the left and, perhaps surprisingly, even from some on the right like Senator John McCain of Arizona. Today, ISIS and the Taliban issued their decree in an effort, the statement says, to “make President Trump like a big boy winner.”
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“We absolutely love it when religion is used to hurt people,” the statement reads, “In fact, it’s kinda our thing; it’s what we do. This anti-trans military ban is the best thing possible.”
Current estimates are that there are anywhere between 6,000 and 16,000 transgender people currently serving in the military. The overwhelming number of occupations within the armed forces are non-combat roles.
“ISIS and the Taliban wish to congratulate Infidel Dog President Donald Trump for his grave stance against transgender people,” ISIS and the Taliban told Trump, “We too believe that something people don’t have a choice about should be the basis of scorn, derision, and punishment under the law.”
Some have worried about transgender enlisted causing issues with combat readiness. A study done by the RAND corporation found there to be no major impact on combat readiness from transgender people being allowed to serve. Others have pointed to the costs of transgender people’s healthcare as a reason to restrict their ability to enlist. Yet, numerous reports show that the Pentagon spends more than $80 million a year on the prescription drug Viagra, a medication largely used to treat erectile dysfunction.
“Hurting a small minority of people and belittling them is so choice,” the statement says, “and we’re so glad you made the choice to do so, Mr. Trump!”
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ISIS and the Taliban didn’t find the transgender service ban completely without room for improvement, however. In their eyes, there was at least one thing that Trump could change to make the ban “even more cruel, Draconian, and therefore more appealing” to Trump’s “rabid, fundamentalist base,” something they say the president has in common with them.
“The only thing we’d add is maybe a suggestion to also punish trans people with death,” the statement says, “But like we said, just a thought. A suggestion. Take that with however big a grain of salt you want. No big whoop. We know we’re on the same team on this one.”
The White House issued a response to the statement from ISIS and the Taliban, thanking them for “recognizing the sheer genius and bigly brain” of the president.
“We are committed to crushing you,” Trump said in a written statement, “but the fact that you see how great I am is also worth noting and thanking you for. Way to see reality for what it is — I am the greatest leader of all time and everyone should probably bow down and worship me, at least a little.”
