Well…this sucks.

As I sit and write today, my ankles are chafing something fierce. Why? Because the federal government decided to slap a couple of monitors on them to track my every movement. And why did they do that, you ask? Because I happened to be there on January 6th when me and a few thousand of my fellow brainwashed and sycophantic Americans stormed the capitol to attempt a very patriotic coup and/or murder a few elected officials for the crime of doing their jobs as laid out by the U.S. Constitution.

I went to D.C. of my own volition. I attended the rally that morning completely voluntarily. And I listened to to my Dear President’s words of my own free will. That being said, by the time he was done yelling at us, I was ready to storm that damn capitol, and damn it if I ever did.

It didn’t really occur to me as I was smashing a window to get into the Rotunda that I was committing insurrection, but apparently that’s what trying to rise up against our government means? That’s weird. I always thought in insurrection was something the president gave his daughter when Jared wasn’t looking. The point is, apparently I committed some kind of treasonous act, and now the government is punishing ME for it.

Do they not know I voted for the guy who as “law and order?” Seems kinda fishy to put me on trial when I was on the law and order team. But what do I know? It also seems really weird to me that I’d the guy who told us all that we could stop the steal on January 6th for like a month, and then on January 6th went out and told us to fight as hard as we could do that would get off while I’m awaiting a trial for insurrection, but I admit that maybe I’m missing something.

The worst part, maybe, is that we didn’t even get anything out of it. We attempted a coup, but ended up just having a raging case of insurrectile dysfunction. And there isn’t a little blue or red pill you can take for that.

My point, I guess, is that it’s pretty crappy that my president inspired me to attack the U.S. government and the only thing I got out of it was these crappy ankle bracelets. I was hoping I’d at least get some kinda photo-op or meet and greet with the president, but I didn’t even get that! In fact, he hasn’t really said crap to us all since that day except to tell us how wrong we were for doing what he told us to do!

In hindsight, I suppose that if I had to do it all over again, I totally would. But I would wear a mask. I didn’t that day because, you know, freedom isn’t free? But in retrospect, I can see how if I had been masked the facial recognition software they used to hunt me down and arrest me at work probably would’ve been thwarted.

I’ll be better at the next coup, I promise you that, America.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.