FALWELL HILL, GA — A new interstate competition has Indiana and Arizona battling it out for the top prize. The “America’s Asshole-iest State” competition was started by the conservative think tank Patriots Now and Forever in an effort to determine, according to PNF’s press release “which state is most willing to be the asshole America needs to be a better country.” There were four states in this year’s competition — Indiana, Arizona, Texas, and Missouri. Indiana and Arizona won out over the other two states in the semi-final rounds, and now they’ll go head-to-head in the finals.
Max Haine, the chairman of Patriots Now and Forever, told reporters, “Arizona and Indiana are showing the tough dedication to the status quo no matter how much needless pain and agony that causes their citizens, and we wanted to recognize them for that leadership.” Haine says that Arizona’s new restrictive abortion law that also contains language indicating that some abortion procedures can be reversed is a “striking blow for fans of anti-scientific, religiously-fueled rhetoric everywhere” and that Indiana’s religious freedom act is a “stunning example of what can be done when you use the cover of religion to codify your bigotry — er excuse me, religious freedom.”
Haine told the media that “it’s not every day that you see states so brazenly disregard the Constitution’s equal protection clause in an effort to keep the gays and women folk down” so that’s why he pushed so hard for them to be the finalists for the Asshole-iest State Award. “Conservatives have long been the assholes brave enough to stand in the face of social progress, astride rock-solid principles like ‘I think your sex is grody to the max’ and ‘God says what you’re doing is bad so stop it’,” Haine said at one point. “We are here to honor those states that are continuing the long-standing tradition of standing in the way of making life better for subsets of society that have been subjugated out of nothing but petty and blind ignorance.”
“My grandfather’s political committee, Americans For Keeping Everyone With Pigment Down, had a similar award they would give out in the 1940’s and 1950’s to states that would keep stubbornly enacting Jim Crow laws,” Haine told the press. “Like any good conservative, I am blindly following that destructive path in the name of ‘tradition’ with our Asshole-iest State award, and I think Grandpappy Haine would be quite proud of me indeed.”
Neither Arizona nor Indiana have officially responded to their nominations. Sources close to Indiana’s Governor Mike Pence (R) did however say that he was “honored to be considered so principled in the belief that his personal religion gives him the right to hurt other people that he would earn his state an award.” Arizona’s state legislature is reportedly working on a new amendment that would force “brown looking” people in their state to carry “I promise I’m not Mexican” cards everywhere they go in an effort to put them over the top with the judges. Haine said of that move, “Bold, strong, good. We likey.”
