PORT ENFANT DU VIOL, ALABAMA — The State of Alabama has issued an emergency injunction barring people from lining up in alleyways without getting a permit from their local city or town first. The move comes in response to a massive wave of queues starting to form all over the Yellowhammer State. Reports from Alabama are that shortly after its lawmakers voted to essentially ban all abortion within the state, massive lines started to form in every alleyway throughout Alabama.
The legislation bans abortions at every stage of pregnancy and criminalizes the procedure for doctors, who could be charged with felonies and face up to 99 years in prison. It includes an exception for cases when the mother’s life is at serious risk, but not for cases of rape or incest — a subject of fierce debate among lawmakers in recent days. (The Failing New York Times)
“Obviously this is the result we intended, so that’s fine. But we wish they’d have let us get the morgue ready first,” State Senator Tom Thompaulsen (R) told us via Skype this morning.
The state’s ability to process a dead body need to be updated, Thompaulsen says, as a consequence of the new abortion law. Just like its counterpart in Georgia, Alabama sets an extremely early deadline for abortion — just six weeks into the pregnancy. This is a time when a lot of women are not aware they’re pregnant, and oftentimes pregnancies in those very early stages end in miscarriage as well.
“We already know how this plays out,” Thompaulsen said. “We make abortion illegal, we restrict access to birth control, and instead of there being fewer pregnancies and abortions, there’s more of them. Except the abortions are done in back alley procedures and in unsafe conditions, resulting in women dying, and we’re not sure our state’s morgues can handle the influx of desperate, now dead, women.”
Rep. Thompaulsen says that Alabamians will support the abortion law and the new restrictions on queueing up in alleyways.
Buy this shirt from our exclusive store!
“Folks who live in the Cotton State understand one thing — our government belongs in your daughter’s panties,” Thompaulsen explained. “You know, to protect the unborn. Yeah. That’s the ticket. It’s totally not some weird obsession we have with controlling a woman’s body, informed almost completely by a purely religious understanding of when a developing life form should have rights that supersede the mother’s.”
It’s widely assumed that Alabama’s new law, and probably Georgia and Ohio’s as well, will be challenged in court. Ultimately, with President Donald Trump colluding with Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell to secure two Supreme Court Justices for conservative Republicans, many wonder if the high court’s landmark Roe vs. Wade decision will be reversed, and if the new abortion laws will be the catalyst for that change.
“Well, we certainly would be quite proud if the Cousin Fucking State played such an integral role in helping put the oppressive yoke of a small government focused on personal liberty around every woman’s vagina,” Thompaulsen said. “Again, because the state has a right to know if you’re going to make a very personal and difficult decision that is prolly best made between a woman and her doctors.”
Mr. Thompaulsen is also spearheading an effort in the state to setup a uterine registry. Girls born after the creation of the database will have their genitals registered with the state, and a licensing fee will be required for each subsequent year. The database will also track the menstruation of every female in the state.
“If she’s bleedin’, she could be breedin’, and we have a right to know what our women-folk are up to,” Thompaulsen said. “It’s all right there in the Constitution. Oh, wait, sorry. I meant Bible. It’s all in the Bible, and that’s, like, way more importanter than the Constitution or whatever.”
There are some exceptions to the heartbeat law that Thompaulsen wishes he could have secured before the vote yesterday, but he thinks he may be able to get them passed as amendments in the next legislative session.
“We need to make sure that Republican interns can still get an abortion,” Thompaulsen explained. “Republican daughters too. We can’t have them making babies before we buy their way into Bible colleges. That’s where they’re supposed to meet their masters, I mean, husbands.”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.
James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.
