WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters today that she “cannot, in good faith, guarantee” she’s never heard her boss utter the “n-word” while in the room with him.

“Look, uh, the president has made it very clear that he is the least racist man who’s ever been accused by the federal government of intentionally not renting apartments to black people,” Huckabee Sanders scolded the press today. “So to continue this ridiculous crusade to confirm whether or not he’s a racist, when the answer to the question is so very obvious with or without some tape or another? That’s just libtarded libtardation if you ask me, and I say that as someone who truly wants to bring this country together, and unite us all…against you libtards in the press.”

Huckabee Sanders, dunking a French toast stick in molten nacho cheese, continued to explain.

“The president is very not racist, let me tell you guys,” Huckabee Sanders said, farting loudly and blaming it on a dog that wasn’t in the room. “Just because he literally became popular to his base because he spent eight years harassing the first black president for his birth certificate only because he was black, that doesn’t mean you can extrapolate anything other than him being a senile old piece of shit, but it ain’t illegal to be that in this country, so y’all can kiss my tits, okay?”

Removing a jar of Crisco from underneath the podium, Huckabee Sanders took out a box labeled, “SARAH’S HUMANITY” and emptied it’s contents into a pie tin with crust awaiting. Then, Sarah took the Crisco and brushed it all over the pie crust before she poured more molten nacho cheese over the whole thing and eating it one gulp like one of those big seagull lookin’ things you see at the beaches and whatnot.

“Just cuz he’s not racist don’t mean he can’t use that word, though. It’s still a free country, ain’t it?” Huckabee said. “I can’t promise he’s never used it, but if he did he didn’t really, and if he did really, he ain’t racist, unless he is, and if he is, that ain’t my business, so SHUT UP, okay?”

Snapping her fingers, Sarah disappeared in a sulfurous cloud of Confederate currency and shame.




James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.