KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — After not issuing a new commandment in thousands of years, Holy Trinity, Inc.’s CEO and Vice President have announced two separate new commandments in a week. First, Jesus Hubert Christ, VP of Holy Trinity, told the people of Earth they were to “just poop and get out” of public restrooms instead of lingering and harassing people about being possibly transgender. Now, CEO Larry “God” Schumway has announced that it’s now officially against company policy to be “shitty to LGBT” and use his name for authorization.
“For the longest time,” God told reporters at a heavenly press conference this week, “we got by with ten simple commandments. Then I sent Hubert down there to tell everyone to stop being so dicky to each other. But clearly, some Americans down there just aren’t getting the hint.”
God said that he has enormous regrets that the story of Sodom and Gomorrah has been “twisted and turned into a cautionary tale against butt sex” because he said “anyone who reads the scripture fully will understand that homosexuality was never the core of the issue, being shitty, uncharitable douchebags was.”
“I mean, for shit’s sake,” God said, “Lot had been in that city for years. If everyone in that town was gay, and if I really thought that was a crime worthy of demolishing an entire city, why did we wait so long? What, did the level of homosexual suckery and fuckery reach the magical, unspoken God Smites You All threshold? Get outta here with that bullshit.”
Mr. Schumway made sure to also admonish his “Islamic employees” as well.
“See, a lot of Muslims, Jews, and Christians would never admit this,” God said, “but I’m at the center of all their religions. It’s literally the same guy they’re talking about; just in different ways. So yeah, this new commandment is about them too. They can call it whatever they want, but from here on out, if you consider yourself one of my children, you’ll leave my gay kids the fuck alone, period.”
God told reporters that he was “sick and tired of the casual abuse” that many people of many faiths heap on homosexuals. Citing his son’s concept of “agape love,” God said it was “time for all my children to remember that the first and foremost rule in the Universe is that you get what you give.”
“And if you give my LGBT children shit for being LGBT, you will get a serious ass kicking once you get up here,” God said angrily. “Just…be excellent to each other,” God said in conclusion, “and, party on dudes. ”
God said those who know him well enough should know “being gay is the least important thing I care about you all.”
“I mean, c’mon guys, I was the original one who made rainbows cool,” God said, “so I dig what the whole LGBT movement is about. Love is love is love is love is love is love is love, assholes.”
