House Republicans Start ‘Pre-Impeachment’ Proceedings For Hillary Clinton

Published on

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Republicans in the House are reportedly meeting to discuss whether pre-impeachment proceedings against Democratic Presidential nominee Hillary Clinton can be started, or if, according to one staffer, “that’s even a thing”

“It’s one thing to hold countless hearings and spend millions of dollars to essentially hear the same answers over and over again,” Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) told reporters outside the capitol building early Wednesday morning, “and it’s something else to use those hearings as taxpayer-funded political mudslinging fests that don’t produce any new hard facts but only serve to denigrate your political opponent in the polls.”

Gohmert paused and then continued, “But we’re proposing to take this Benghazi thing to a whole new level, and that’s why we are going to pre-impeach Hillary Clinton, before she even gets a chance to take the oath of office.”

Rep. Darrell Issa (R), who ran the first several dozen Benghazi hearings, told reporters he is “elated” that his efforts could help lead the former Secretary of State to being impeached before the election is held. “What a bold and truly inspired idea,” Issa said, “to ignore the facts and do what your conscience tells you is right, and in this case that means pre-impeachment.”

“Well, you kinda think of it like one of those Promise Rings that Christian kids give each other when they want to do hand and mouth stuff but not go all the way,” Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC), told reporters when describing what exactly a pre-impeachment is. “It’s sort of like a placeholder,” Gowdy said, “it’s just a promise we’re making to the American people to faithfully impeach Mrs. Clinton as soon as possible…or well, sooner than possible really, since she’s not even the Democratic nominee yet.”

While Gohmert, Issa, and Gowdy all admitted to reporters that what they are trying to do isn’t technically in the Constitution, all three didn’t seem to mind. Gohmert said his legal team is currently looking into the matter, while Issa said that breaking laws has “never been that big a deal” to him. He said that sometimes you have to “steal a car and burn down a warehouse to make an omelette” and that a pre-impeachment would be “a classic case of the ends justifying the means.”

“Look, maybe pre-impeachment isn’t in the Constitution,” Gowdy said, “but neither is Obummercare, I mean unless of course you think of it as what it is — a law that was constitutionally written, reviewed, passed, and signed into law. But you get my point, right? Fuck the Democrats, is my point in case you were wondering.” Gowdy would later drive the point home by stating matter of factly, “We’re Republicans, the Constitution is meaningless to us except for the Second and 10th Amendments. The First is good, but it’s too strong on liberty and not strong enough of religious fervor if you ask me.”

Speaker Paul Ryan (R) said that he is “pleased to continue the tradition of feckless, rudderless, and pointless Republican leadership.”

“It’s every Republican’s dream to shut down the government they fought so hard to be elected into,” Ryan said, “and it’s every Republican’s dream to finally settle the Watergate score. If we can truly make history and impeach someone before the election is even held, and before she even has the nomination of our party, then I’d say the Benghazi hearings were worth every one of the millions of dollars we spent on them, all the while telling our voters we have a spending problem. It’s classic Republican leadership, and I’m just so glad that my leaving won’t disrupt the natural, dysfunctional, hypocritical order of things.”

This is a developing story.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

Latest articles

If I Don’t Have a Biden Flag, Biden Shoes, or Biden Bible, Am I Really Voting for Biden?

PROF. McTERRY: And who won the election? JAMES: Well, I don't fuck my cousin, so I know...

I Asked a Klansman If He’s Voting For Biden Since They’re Both Democrats. He Punched Me.

"Man, it's really true what they say about Democrats. They're snowflakes." We all know a...

For Conservatives, Fart Naps Are Quickly Replacing Power Naps

"While some might casually observe the irony in someone who belittles his opponent as...

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less...