Heaven to Close Gates and Turn Away Xenophobic Americans

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KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — A spokesman for Larry “God” Schumway, founder and CEO of Holy Trinity, Inc. told a group of gathered holy reporters that in light of the rampant Islamaphobia God has seen in the United States over the past week directed toward the Syrian refugee crisis, that all xenophobic Americans would no longer be welcome in the Kingdom of Heaven or any of its franchises in the tri-state area.

“From henceforth,” the spirit of Barnabus McGee told the press, “any and all Americans who speak in favor of turning away refugees from war torn areas will be barred from the Kingdom of Heaven. Any American politicians who actively work to keep refugees out of their country, state, or town will not only be kept out of Heaven, but will be made to clean the toilets in Purgatory for a minimum of 14 centuries.” McGee said that God and his son, Jesus Hubert Christ held an emergency board meeting last night and that’s when the new admittance policy was hammered out.

At his own presser later that day, Christ told reporters, “It could not be any simpler — you’re not acting like a real Christian if you turn your back on people in need.” He went on to say that while he “can’t actually stop anyone from calling themselves anything” that he does have “direct control over whether your bigoted and ignorant ass will make it past the Pearly Gates’ turnstiles.”

“You can call yourself a kangaroo,” Mr. Of Nazareth told the media, “but if you don’t have a pouch, huge tail and live in the Outback, chances are you aren’t remotely like a kangaroo.” Christ told reporters that “the same theory applies” to Christianity. “You can call yourself a Christian,” Jesus said, “but if you don’t practice the very first principle of Christianity — treating others as you’d be treated yourself — you’re a fake Christian, and fake Christians are the ones who we are turning away as long as they turn away Syrian refugees.”

Both McGee and Christ said at their respective press conferences that this new policy is only temporary, and will be lifted when they’ve seen “an adequate number of American Christians acting like actual Christians,” McGee said. He also said that God is “not adverse to building a new eternal residence, separate from Heaven, Hell or purgatory” just for American xenophobes. “The truth is that no one wants to be around those assholes when they’re alive,” McGee said as he finished up the press conference, “and so really no one wants to be around them in the after life anyway. If they want to live their mortal lives in segregation, we might as well let their spirits spend eternity isolated from everyone too.”

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