On his way into pretending to work in the U.S. Senate today, Senator Josh Hawley of Missouri extended a fist in the air as he saw fellow Republicans Reps. Matt Gaetz (Q-FL) and Lauren Boebert (Low IQ-CO) from across the capitol steps. When asked by reporters about his fist pump, Hawley first chided them for for “daring to speak” to him, but then, sensing that people were paying attention to him, he reverted to behaving like a politician, and started talking, seemingly in love with the sound of his own voice in such a way that would make his wife jealous, if she liked him that way.
“You know how some people feel right at home in a Waffle House, a movie theater, fast food restaurant, or — like some of my constituents — a klan rally? Well,” Hawley explained, “when it comes to halting a peaceful transfer of power, what can I say? It just feels like home to me.”
Yesterday, Gaetz, Boebert, and their fellow Freedom Caucus members successfully stalled Rep. Kevin McCarthy’s (R-Trump’s Ballsack) presumed rise to the Speaker’s podium, forcing three failed votes on the House floor. McCarthy would replace outgoing Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Wall Street), however, an internal debate within the GOP and its far-right factions has put his pathway to the gavel in jeopardy. Gaetz and Boebert led eighteen other Republicans in voting consistently against McCarthy, keeping him from the 218 votes necessary to make him the next Speaker.
“Clearly, when America First patriots see the plain will of the voters in front of them, they are preternaturally inclined to stomp their feet, put their fingers in their ears, and scream until they lose their voices. Then, they mobilize and block the peaceful transfer of power,” Hawley said, “because you know, we value self determination or whatever.”
Senator Hawley then caught sight of his own shadow, let out a shriek, tucked his tail, and ran away, tears staining his cheeks.