As Soon as Ron or Nikki Insults Heidi Cruz, I’ll Know Who I’m Voting For

The following editorial was written by Dustin Pewpsin, a right-wing commentator, current Fox News employee, and former Dan Bongino fact-checker. The opinions and viewpoints expressed herein are those of Mr. Pewpsin, and not necessarily those of this outlet, it’s ownership, or staff.

“…for the last couple of weeks I’ve been trying like hell to figure out what it is about them that I just don’t trust yet. Then, it hit me like a ton of bricks being thrown through the windows of the U.S. capitol’s rotunda on a crisp January morning.”

It goes without saying, of course, that as a good, clean, non-chicken-seasoning, Kid Rock blasting, red meat eating, critically-non-thinking, Evangelical Christian American Patriot, I want to vote for Donald Trump in this year’s election no matter what. 

But it seems like the cucks who wrote the 14th Amendment to the Constitution after Lincoln’s War of Aggression was settled — for now — were never-Trumpers. Those people robbed our chief executive of his ability to simultaneously lead this nation while also destroying it. I wonder how many states are going to try to throw him off their ballots just because, technically speaking, he hates the Constitution and did a coup or whatever, and wants to be installed as our permanent dictator.

So what’s a pro-MAGA man like me to do, if for some reason Our Dear Leader is not given his rightful throne back? Technically speaking, that means I’d have to vote for someone else, and right now, it’s looking my choices are Nikki Haley and Ron DeSantis. This choice, quite honestly, leaves me very confounded.

Just when I think either Ron or Nikki is the Christofascist horse I wanna ride to victory, they fall just short. And for the last couple of weeks I’ve been trying like hell to figure out what it is about them that I just don’t trust yet. Then, it hit me like a ton of bricks being thrown through the windows of the U.S. capitol’s rotunda on a crisp January morning.

Neither one of them have called Heidi Cruz ugly…yet.

Why?

What is it about the rich Republican presidential candidate tradition of insulting Heidi’s looks that isn’t appealing to Haley and DeSantis? Do they not realize we Christian American Patriots don’t want some humble, meek leader who tries to bring people together and teaches us to love one another?! We need what the Bible tells us we need — a strongman authoritarian to run our lives for us while we literally shovel the corpses of the dead poor into furnaces that heat our penthouses.

Well, not our penthouses, because I have a penthouse, and you, the lowly pleb reader, do not. But you get my meaning, I’m sure.

At the end of the day, it’s really a very simple proposition for me — the first candidate to insult Heidi Cruz’s looks gets my vote. Period.

Apparently, that would also mean that Hedi’s husband would be permanently barnacled to that candidate’s dong or lady-dong as it were,  but I’m not too sure anyone other than the Cancun Board of Tourism cares where the hell Ted Cruz is.

So, Nikki, Ron, who’s it gonna be?

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