The following editorial was written by right-wing commentator and former NRA executive board member Dustin Pewpsin. The dystopian thoughts and sociopathic opinions expressed herein are those of Mr. Pewpsin, his fellow overly-compensating gun nut golf buddies, and a few million psychopaths; not necessarily those of this outlet, its ownership, or management.
I know I ask this a whole lot, but..
What in the hell is wrong with liberals?!
Every time we have a mass shooting in this country, liberals start screaming from the rafters that we’re not “doing enough” to address gun violence. That means every single day I gotta go online and remind people that the Constitution literally says we can only offer, at most, thoughts and prayers. Per the Constitution itself, those thoughts have to be pro-gun and those prayers have to be to the Southern Baptist’s version of God, and that is it.
That. Is. It.
Why are liberals so ungrateful? You get the idea listening to them — if you can stomach turning down the genius of Dan Bungholio, or Fecal Clay Travis, or whichever vapid, blonde, Nazi youth loving commentator is on OAN right now long enough to do so — that they think we live in the world’s largest shooting range, just because every twenty-four hours there’s at least one mass casualty event related to gunfire in this country.
As stupid as that notion sounds, though…so what if it’s true?
Isn’t being free a small price to pay for living in the world’s most awesome shooting gallery? Doesn’t the almighty dollar and holy, blessed, scared capitalism outright demand that we feel like those wooden ducks in a shooting gallery — all lined up with targets on our bodies we can’t actually see?
If you don’t answer “Hell yeah” to those questions, are you even a real American? You know, a good, clean, melanin-free, chicken non-seasoning, Christ loving, ammo hoarding, REAL AMERICAN?
Because those of us who are real Americans wake up every darn day so damn grateful to motherfuckin’ live in this blessed target range we call the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave Unless They Claim They Have Bone Spurs! If you don’t wake up, and that same sense of pride doesn’t feel at least as strong as your very real fear of being gunned-down in church, at a movie theater, in school, or turning around in someone’s driveway, then I think you are not, in fact, a real American.
Everything about living in America is exceptional, because America is so exceptional! Poverty, systemic racism, lack of resources or affordable medical care? All of it? EXCEPTIONAL. Living in a dystopian live shooting range day in and day out? Something to be grateful for.
We’re grateful because we know life presents us with so many binary choices in life. It’s only “Capitalism vs. Commie-Nism,” “Being a Christian Nation vs. Democracy,” and “Freedom and Liberty vs. Full-Blown Tyranny.” Buck up, buttercups. Or at least vest up and buy a decent tactical helmet from your local army surplus store.
Because we real Americans intend to work hand-in-glove with the NRA, and their Russian oligarch financers, to keep this country loaded for bear, locked and loaded, and stocked up on far more ammunition than IQ points. You can thank us later, when we’re in our forced prayer and praise for Dear Leader session together. And until then, I leave you with the only thing I really needed to say about this whole thing:
SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED.
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