WASHINGTON, D.C. — It’s no big secret on the Hill; pro-MAGA politicians dislike Dr. Anthony Fauci. Yesterday, Sen. Rand Paul (Q-KY) got into a heated exchange with Fauci over whether wearing a mask after being vaccinated is “theater,” as Paul called it, or if the scientists and doctors who Fauci relies on for his information are correct. Fauci has been a repeated target of MAGA ire, so much so that last year he revealed that he had to hire armed protection due to the volume of threats he and his family have received.

Today, two of Washington’s newest Qpublican elected officials joined the fray. In a meandering press conference this morning, Qongresswomen Lauren Boebert of Colorado and Marjorie Craycraylor Greene of Georgia demanded that Dr. Fauci “give the American people some information they can actually use.”

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“We are calling on Dr. Fauci to stop all the craziness, and to tell us all, each and every American the most important news we need to know,” Greene said after taking a big hit from her crack pipe. “As in, when and where can we start holding rallies.”

Boebert piped in to agree.

“And that’s MAGA or klan, people,” Boebert said. “Because both are allowed in America, no matter what the woketopian libtarded Antifa left tells you! If you wanna put on a white pointy hat, a red baseball cap, or a maybe put your white hood on over your red baseball cap like I do, it’s all okay because freedom or whatever, okay?”

Since the covid-19 pandemic began in late 2019, Greene said “fewer and fewer good, decent, ammo hoarding, Boogaloo planning, red meat eating, melanin-free” Americans have had to give up more and more of their ability to congregate. She blasted Fauci for “forcing Americans to think about science-y stuff” when they should be free to rely only on their own religious beliefs and firearms to guide them. Boebert said Fauci owes to the American public to let them know when they can hold hate rallies again.

“What kind of America do we live in if people can’t go burn a few thousand college textbooks, or light a few dozen crosses,” Boebert demanded. “Not any America I wanna live in, that’s for sure. And if my recently-acquired GED means anything at all, it means I’m a foremost scholar and expert on these things.”

Dr. Fauci could not be reached for comment.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.