WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, our sister publication Alternative Facts, published a report that President Donald Trump has already had his proposal to buy Greenland rejected.
“Mr. President,” the letter opens, “In regards to your proposal re: purchasing Greenland, we’d like to first and foremost thank you for the kind and generous offer. However, at this time Greenland is not for sale, and we must decline it. We hope you do not take personal offense to our rejection, but we also understand, given your long time in the public spotlight, that you are easily offended, extremely thin-skinned, and quite reactionary, so we will be fully prepared for your angry tweets, once you have your staff read this letter to you during Executive Time.” (AltFacts)
Reportedly, after receiving the letter, Mr. Trump was quite irate.
“I am very mad right now! Very mad,” Trump could be heard shouting at his staff, “but seeing these pictures of my beautiful daughter Ivanka always puts a smile on my face, and a tent in my pants. So you win some, you lose some. Except me. I never lose. Even when I score fewer points. I just scream, ‘ELECTORAL COLLEGE RULES!’ and declare myself the winner. You know, like winners do.” (AltFacts)
Sources close to the situation are telling us that Trump’s outrage grew to the point that he felt he absolutely had to reach out to Greenland directly and plead his case. President Trump told Greenland they were “being total cucks” and that as president he “gets anything and everything [he] could possibly want.” Mr. Trump said his daddy told him that he could have anything he wanted, even his friend Pee-Wee’s bicycle if he wanted.
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Apparently, mentioning his dead father got a reaction out of Greenland’s Deputy Junior Prime Minister that nobody could have expected.
“Well, now, that brings up something kind of interesting, Mr. President,” DJPM Ivaak Olsvig began, “how will you pay for Greenland, exactly? I mean, without a loan from your dad. We all know that you would have probably been just some fat, old, racist buffoon on Social Security shouting at the urban kids to get off your lawn if you hadn’t been given all that money by your dad. So how will you buy our whole country without him, pr from Vladimir Putin for that matter?”
A shocked and outraged Trump blustered mightily.
“Excuse me? EXCUSE THE FUCK OUTTA ME?! How dare you speak to your president that way,” Trump demanded.
Olsvig reminded Trump he’s not actually the President of Greenland.
“YET! You mean yet! I’m not the President of Greenland yet,” Trump said, “and with your kind of attitude, you will be the first person I deport once I am! Don’t worry how I’m gonna pay for you, okay? I just am. I mean, I happen to control the richest government in history, and I’m told that I am totally allowed to use it like my personal piggy bank. That’s not that the Constitution says, but my personal attorney Bill Barr says it, so that’s pretty much the same thing.”
President Trump tried to steer the conversation back in a more productive direction, at least in terms of his goal of purchasing Greenland.
“C’mon! Just name your price. Everyone’s got their price,” Trump told Olsvig. “For instance, when I wanted his help becoming president, Vladimir’s price was me agreeing to pose with some very fine…what did he call them…piss whores, I believe is the term for them in Russian, in a video. Let them do some fun stuff. Very legal, very fun, and very cool. Also very piss-soaked, so I appreciated the truth in advertisement on that level. Where the hell was I? Oh right, buying your country. Let’s make a deal. You know I’m the best deal maker ever, right? Like, literally ever.”
After another 30 solid minutes of Trump explaining to Olsvig just how good at making deals he was, he got the same answer, phrased in a different way.
“Yeah. Cool. Except…no,” Olsvig said, hanging up the phone.
At the time of publication, national security adviser John Bolton is drawing up plans to invade Greenland, citing the “bigly insult of a sitting president” as his reasoning.
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