I Asked This Grand Wizard Why He’s Voting for Donald Trump and Not the Democrat

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Ask any evangelical, Christian conservative and they’ll tell you without batting a single eyelash or dropping a single round of ammunition: The Democrats started the KKK.

Now, from a purely historically accurate standpoint, this statement is actually true, I think. To be fair, I’m more positive that the men who started the Klan were religious conservatives, but I suppose that given what the electorate looked like back then, that yes, it’s highly probable that a Democrat, or multiple Democrats, had a had in founding the Ku Klux Klan. So because of that fact, I would assume that Republicans would never be the party that wants to force cities and states to keep their Confederate monuments up, you know, given that they’re the “Party of Lincoln” and the Confederacy literally waged a war against Lincoln before Democrats went and started the KKK after they lost the Civil War?

And I would also assume that any and all klan members to this day would be card carrying, woke Democrats, and vote for Democrats because of that. But after the interview I just conducted with a Grand Wizard of the Klan, I have to admit I was very wrong in that assumption.

Very wrong indeed.

I reached out to Chad Beefington, who has headed-up his local chapter of the KKK ever since his father retired from the position in 2017 to take an advisory role in the Trump White House. I initially made contact a couple of weeks ago and we finally got around to conducting the interview over the last couple of days. I’m glad we waited, because by the time I got around to talking to Mr. Beefington, the two major parties’ candidates had been chosen, giving me the perfect avenue to talk to Chad about who he’s voting for this fall.

JAMES SCHLARMANN: Chad, thank you so much for agreeing to this interview.

CHAD BEEFINGTON: No worries. I was a bit skepticalish about it at first, but once I did research on you and found out your last name only LOOKS Jewish, I decided I could prolly trust you to be much more fairer to me than one of them would be.


CHAD: So, what’s on your mind, anyway?

JAMES: I wanted to ask you about who you’re voting for in November.

CHAD: Seriously?

JAMES: Mmmhmm. I just found out that the KKK was started by Democrats.

CHAD: Totally true.

JAMES: …and Joe Biden is the candidate for the Democratic Party, which you believe is the party most responsible for your racist domestic terror organization’s existence…

CHAD: He very much so is indeed, yes.

JAMES: So it would only stand to reason that you’re going to vote for – 

CHAD: His Lard and Savior, Donald John Trump, yessir.

JAMES: But…wait. I thought you were in the KKK?

CHAD: Most assuredly I am, yes.

JAMES: And the KKK was started by Democrats…

CHAD: Again, 100% true as fuck.

JAMES: …but you’re voting for the Republican?

CHAD: Hells yeah!

JAMES: So you’re not a Democrat?

CHAD: (Laughing Hysterically) Democrats are the “woke” ones still right?

JAMES: Yes, I believe that’s the case, in general. Democrats consider themselves woke.

CHAD: (Laughing even harder) And do I look or sound woke to you? Keep in mind I just told you that hilarious joke that is mostly just the N-word and slurs against transgender people.

JAMES: Oh. Oh right. You don’t seem very woke to me at all.

CHAD: “Comatose,” is how woke I’d describe myself.

JAMES: So you’re not voting for the – 

CHAD: Woke Democrat? Not this time around.

JAMES: Is there anything any Democrat could do to win your vote?

CHAD: Well sure, they could return to the core Democrat values that we used to love: white supremacy and Christian nationalism.

JAMES: Anything else they could do?

CHAD: Well, a lot of us are kinda into the idea that Don’s kinda into the idea of piping out his daughter. So…

JAMES: If a Democrat came out and said he wanted to bang his own daughter…?

CHAD: We’d at least have to give him a good looking over and considerationally think about it, yeah.

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