“…do they really think it covers me in glory to have a bunch of ignorant, slack-jawed, hateful bigots call themselves my people?”

What will happen to a generation of Oklahoma students after the Bible is forced into their classrooms? If you ask one of that book’s main characters, the answer might surprise you.

“There’s gonna be a lot of dumb kids in Oklahoma. That’s what’s going to happen,” God told me in our weekly catch-up call yesterday afternoon. “We’re talking stupid as fuck, man. Then again, it’s Oklahoma, and they rank like 47th in education so those kids were likely headed to a lifetime of being dumb as shit to begin with, weren’t they?”

According to Larry “God” Schumway, he was embarrassed and confused when Louisiana lawmakers recently made it state law that public schools had to hang the Ten Commandments in their classrooms. However, when Oklahoma school officials took it a step further and mandated that the Bible must be used as educational material in Sooner State teachers’ curricula, God said he was even more ashamed.

“Look, I think it’s stupid to put up the Ten Commandments, and I wrote them. They’re kind of archaic now, know what I mean? I was such a different writer back then, and I honestly would love a chance at re-writing them, cutting at least half the fat out. But to actually force teachers to use the Bible now, in 2024? That just seems stupid. What does the Bible have to teach about modern ecological and economic conditions anyway?”

Perhaps surprisingly, and disappointingly to some, God “fully and completely” supports the Separation of Church and State.

“Man, I don’t want the Feds coming up in my business telling me how to do shit here in Heaven, and so I feel like it’s only fair that I keep my dick out of their mashed potatoes, know what I’m saying?”

While God says the Bible does ask Christians to follow the teachings of his son, Jesus Hubert Christ, it does not ask them to follow them while being morons.

“Like…do they really think it covers us in glory to have a bunch of ignorant, slack-jawed, hateful bigots call themselves our people? I want Christians to be smart, and smart people have compassion and empathy for their fellow human, knowing they too can end up at the bottom of the ladder one day. Instead, I have a bunch of undereducated psychopaths on my team, and I don’t like it, man.”

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