“Two abortions could have saved millions of people heartache…” – Larry “God” Schumway
“Well, contrary to certain, centuries-old rumors, I’m not perfect, to begin with,” Larry “God” Schumway told reporters this morning during his routine, weekly press conference.
“Even I make mistakes sometimes. I mean, looking back on it, I never would have created childhood cancer, if I had known it would kill so many innocent kids, instead of just evil people before they became adults.”
Mr. Schumway was addressing concerns that he’s become too lax and laissez-faire with the people of Earth. As the United States seems to backslide into a full-blown fascist oligarchy, it threatens peace and stability around the globe. God admits now that he “maybe took [his] eye off the ball” last year.
Schumway says if he had been paying closer attention, he probably wouldn’t have let someone he called a “dorky Incel douchebag” buy the presidency. That, God said, has now put. millions of Americans who are sick and elderly at risk of losing the financial support they paid into for decades.
“Yeah, I see it. That guy is a real cunt. There’s just no other word for it, he’s a massive, massive cunt,” God admitted.
Schumway can’t understand why so many people who claim to follow his son’s teachings would want such a thing, but at any rate, he said he’s willing to take the onus largely on himself.
God’s regrets don’t just stretch back over the last couple of years, though. Schumway wishes he’d used his divine influence to make Elon Musk’s and Donald Trump’s mothers pro-choice. That, he posited, would have been the “quickest, easiest way to avoid all this horse shit.”
“I love abortions. I prescribed them in the Old Testament Jesus Prequels, you know. I’ve always felt they can save lives,” God told reporters.
“Two abortions could have saved millions of people heartache, uncertainty, chaos, anxiety, and perhaps even kept them alive. i worry the cuts that these two monsters are putting in place could end up costing people their very real medicines and food,” God said while shaking his head.
“This one’s on me. It just takes flipping one little switch in the Human-Maker 3000’s algorithmic processor core to make someone pro-choice, and I missed it on those two racist, soulless jizz bins.”
While he promised to “do better in the future,” Schumway reiterated that he is not, in reality, infallible.
“I make mistakes. I fuck-up literally all the time. Have you seen some of the animals I made? They’re pretty whackadoo-bon-backadoo! Especially the fish! But sometimes I really, really cock it all up,” God said.
“That’s when it’s up to you all, down there, to work together. It’s up to you all to put in the work, to do what you’re just hoping some invisible man in the sky can do for you. Sometimes, fam, you gotta do the shit yourself.”
