KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Larry “God” Schumway has issued an official Heavenly Apology Decree for the massive flooding in Louisiana that has left residents in many parts of the state with flooded homes and left at least eleven people dead. The reason for his apology? Americans were too distracted by a “big orange moron” to care about the devastation in the Pelican State.
“Man, I really need to knock it off with the floods, don’t I,” God asked at a press conference announcing the apology decree, “I guess even after all these billions of years I just haven’t quite figured out the timing. It’s probably a good thing I never went into comedy, my timing’s so bad.”
Schumway said that after he talked to his son Jesus Hubert Christ, the Executive Vice-President of his organization, the two came to the conclusion that the flooding in Louisiana was ill-timed because Donald J. Trump — alleged billionaire and Republican presidential nominee — was “sucking all the air out of the room.” That’s when they decided the apology decree was warranted.
“I should have known better than to send that flood when that big orange moron was sucking all the air out of the room,” God explained, “but I guess I just figured that he’s such an insufferable ass clown that Americans would have figured that out a long time ago and ignored the lunacy that trips out of his pie hole. Looks like my omnipotence might be slipping, because I did not see that coming!”
While he blames Trump’s bombastic and controversial statements for distracting the American media and its populace, Schumway said he takes “full responsibility” for the Louisiana flooding because he “should have known better.”
“Humans are some of my favorite creations,” Schumway said, “but they’re also really easily distracted. Though I suppose any time you put a giant orange bag of farts in a room, people are going to be unable to avoid the sound smell, so YOLF, I always say. My bad everyone. My bad.”
God announced he was shutting down his flood control centers for a few weeks for maintenance to devise a better algorithm to control when and where flooding occurs.
“One thing’s for certain,” God said, “no more devastating floods during election season. Not until the Republicans are done nominating actual diarrhea in a bad hair piece for president. This reminds me of when I sent that plague of locusts to Kansas during World War II. Just bad timing. I’m still learning…I don’t get it right every time, you know. Trump’s existence proves that. But I’ll get it right next time, probablyl. Who knows? Oh wait, I mean, I totally know everything that’s going to happen because I’m all powerful and shit, but you get the point.”
The Trump campaign could not be reached for comment.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.
