KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Larry “God” Schumway, CEO of Holy Trinity, Inc., a family owned and operated afterlife day spa and rehab facility, announced today that next year he plans to have his “aim re-calibrated.”
“Oh boy,” God told reporters at a heavenly press conference this week, “Carrie was sort of the final straw, wasn’t she? But it’s just been a straight-up bad year for my aim, hasn’t it?”
Mr. Schumway said while he’s used to not making everyone happy with who he chooses to die in any given year, 2016 may have marked “a low, low, low point” for his approval ratings. As such, he’s decided to have his pointer fingers tested to make sure they aren’t crooked or otherwise faulty. He said that the ability to correctly choose who will live or die is “absolutely vital” to his work.
“Look, I don’t really expect to be on everyone’s good sides all the time,” God said, “but when I chose Scalia at the beginning of the year, I thought it might help make up for taking David Bowie and Alan Rickman at the same time. Unfortunately for me, what I thought was a fluke in my aim was an early sign of a much larger, systemic problem. And I’m just really very sorry to have taken so many luminary, important people.”
God said he fears his approval ratings may tank to “near Trumpian” levels, and he even said that he felt especially bad for how many well-loved people because of the president-elect.
“It was pretty shitty of me to not at least consider starting the End Times instead of allowing Trump to be elected,” Schumway conceded, “in the same year that I was snatching up people like Gene Wilder, Prince, and George Michael. I never want to leave humanity feeling like there’s absolutely no hope. And killing off Bowie and Prince was pretty much like me deciding to snuff out the sun at the same time I was farting in all of your faces, and I’m really very sorry about that.”
He’s hoping that after having his fingers re-calibrated, God will only take people “most everyone agrees have had a good enough run anyway.”
“Looking back on it now,” God said, “I can see so many better candidates. There are people who make a living selling racism as cogent thought, like that Nazi Skeletor woman, what’s her name? Ann Colt or something? Or there’s Rush Limbaugh. Seems like we could free up quite a few resources there. I’d say that Dick Cheney shouldn’t count his chickens, but I can’t take someone if they’re more machine now than human, can I?”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.
