ASWITCH, GEORGIA — Georgia State Police held a press conference late Thursday evening to announce that they’d retrieved security footage from a McDonald’s drive-thru that appears to show a statue of Union General William Tecumseh Sherman destroying a statue of Confederate General Robert E. Lee. No injuries have been reported, however the statue of Lee has been “completely obliterated,” according to police spokespeople.
Authorities are unsure at this time where the Sherman statue came from, but the trail of displaced dirt behind it would seem to indicate it started somewhere near or around Atlanta. Police say the statue is headed in a southeastern direction, dragging itself to the sea. Witnesses say that the state of Lee didn’t see Sherman coming, and was quickly subdued. Though the Lee analogue offered to relocate itself to a museum, the Sherman statue was heard sarcastically declining that offer.
“Aren’t you worried everyone will forget their history,” Sherman’s statue asked, “You know, forget all about you, Bob?”
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The statue of Lee told Sherman that it was “preposterous to think people would forget” about him just because he was moved from the public square to a museum. Lee said that he was a very pivotal character in one of America’s most historically significant eras, and it was “just beyond silly” for anyone to suggest the public would soon forget who he was. To this, Sherman laughed a hearty laugh.
“Nice to see you think that argument is bullshit too, Bob,” Sherman said, “You might want to tell that to all those hipster douchebags with tiki torches over there, though.”
The Sherman statue pointed to an assembled throng of a couple hundred mostly white, mostly male individuals carrying tiki torches and wearing either “Make America Great Again” hats, or the earlier version of that hat style — a white pointed hood.
“Oh man, fuck those guys,” Lee said, “Look, WT, I never even wanted to be here, okay? When I was alive I said confederate statues were a bad idea because they’d keep the wounds of the war open for some. And clearly I was right. Can’t we make some kind of deal?”
The Sherman Statue laughed extremely hard.
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“No, Bob, no we can’t make some kind of deal,” Sherman said, as he began to place stick after stick of 1860’s style TNT sticks all around the statue of Lee.
For the next ten minutes, witnesses say Sherman gleefully stacked more and more dynamite around the base of the Lee statue. No matter how hard he tried, General Lee couldn’t convince Sherman to stop what he was doing. Lee finally gave up, resigning himself to be blown to smithereens.
“Well, if this is how I gotta go out, WT, this is how I gotta go out,” Lee said, offering his hand to Sherman.
Sherman spit statue spit — which is bird shit — on Lee’s hand.
“C’mon dude, you know I’m not playing like that,” Sherman said,”And besides, I gotta send a message to all those dummy neo-Confederates and neo-Nazis about how it all went down last time, know what I mean, Jelly Bean?”
Lee said he understood, and respected his old foe’s fighting spirit, to the very end. Sherman lit a match, which in turn lit the fuse connected to all the dynamite, and KABLAMMO! the Lee statue was reduced to dust.
Police are unsure whether they will, or even can, charge a statue with any crimes, so it’s unclear what the next development in this story will be. However, as he was dragging himself off into the night, Sherman the Statue could be heard telling people he was going to “march them all to Hell.”
