“May his balls always runneth over my chin.” – Rep. Jim Jordan (Q-OH)
It’s Election Day, and once the votes are counted — and the ensuing legal battles and MAGA-surrection are settled — the country will have a new president, or perhaps it’ll have an old president as president again. The stakes are high for both sides, and after a rollicking, historic campaign season that wound-up pitting Vice President Kamala Harris, not incumbent President Joe Biden, against Donald John “Fartnaps” Trump, the American people are poised to conclude it.
Polling data has shown in recent weeks that Harris is seeing quite a bit of late movement toward her camp. A shocking poll in deep red Iowa even put her up by three points in the Hawkeye state. Though most experts agree Trump will likely win the state, Iowa’s voters are clearly showing that the bloom may be coming off Trump’s political rose.
Whether he wins or loses, though, it might not matter in the long run to Mr. Trump. Yesterday, four of his most ardent supporters held a press conference and pledged their continuing, undying loyalty to him. By the time the presser was over, Jim Jordan, Matt Gaetz, Ted Cruz, and former First Lady Ivanka Trump had told the American people that win, lose, or failed insurrection, Donald Trump’s testicles will never be dry.
Not on their watch, at least.
“Of course we believe and contend that once the legal, melanin-free votes are counted – AND ONLY THOSE VOTES ARE COUNTED — King Trump will be restored to his rightful place on his throne in the White House,” Senator Cruz told reporters as he fished a booger out of his nose and ate it.
“However, as we’ve seen in past elections, apparently cucks, libtards, and baby killer groomers are allowed to vote and they get their votes counted too for some reason. So we’re here to assure his Royal Rapey-ness that no matter what happens, we will continue to spit-polish his entire groin region.”
Congressman Gaetz was passed out drunk under the podium and did not make any statements. His Freedom Caucus colleague, Congressman Jordan, however, did.
“Look, if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s protecting rapists. And I can’t think of a bigger rapist than our former Rapist in Chief. So even though I know in my heart of hearts that I wouldn’t blow just any old loser, if he does lose somehow, I will not let his balls go dry,” Jordan said, fighting back tears.
“Not now. Not ever. May his balls always runneth over my chin.”
Like this? Then you’re gonna love “Into the Garbage Chute.“
