It was truly a day of celebration for Rep. Matt Gaetz (Q-FL).
Earlier in the morning, the Department of Justice announced it was declining to charge Gaetz, despite public evidence that he paid minors for sex after transporting them across state lines. According to sources in the DOJ, issues with the credibility of some of the key witnesses lead the department to pass on formally charging Donald Trump’s dick warmer with anything.
It would appear that this news came as quite a relief to the nation’s least sober congressman. People who live in Gaetz’ district reported seeing him last night at one of his old, familiar haunts.
“I saw Matty Fivehead at Chuck E. Cheese last night, and he seemed pretty pumped. He spent a good two hours in the ball pit,” one town resident told us via Skype, “and he kept handing his date tokens so she could win more tickets. They got so many cool toys from the ticket exchange counter by the time the night was over for them, which wasn’t too late because his date had a geometry test this morning.”
@jamboschlarmbo #MattGaetz knows how to celebrate in style! #political #satire #politics #politik #ChuckECheese ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann
Rep. Gaetz apparently told another patron at Chuck E. Cheese last night that he plans to celebrate throughout the weekend.
“Gaetz told me that this weekend he and his dates are gonna hit up Universal and Disney,” our source told us. “Then, they’re gonna do the most Florida thing ever: cook a batch of meth and go gator wrestling! I’m kinda jealous of the nice young ladies he’ll be courting around, but hopefully they get their parental permission slip signed first, for their sakes!”