French Authorities Find Charred Bible Signed by Trump in Notre Dame Cathedral

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VILLE DE OÙ LES DAMES NUES DANSENT, FRANCE — Fire investigators looking into what caused the blaze that immolated parts of the famed Notre Dame cathedral in Paris this year reportedly came upon a rather unsuspected item in the debris and rubble left behind, once the flames were out.

“This morning, while our crews swept debris into a big pile before being pushed into a large dust pan, where it would be put into big, black garbage bags and taken to the dump,” French Fire Minister Jacqueline D’Armond told reporters in exacting detail, “they came upon the charred remnants of a Bible autographed by none other than President Donald Trump.”

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Mr. Trump, while visting victims of deadly tornadoes in Alabama last month, took to signing Bibles that were handed to him. Once word got up to God, he issued an immediate recall of all Bibles signed by Trump. Owners were instructed to send their Trump autographed holy books to their nearest and largest church, and apparently one of them made its way to a shelf in the spire on top of the Nortre Dame.

In an unforeseen twist, D’Armond says French authorities believe finding the Bible was the key to understanding how the blaze started in the first place.

“This is something we’ve really never seen before. However, the Bible, where it was found, when we analyzed it against what we know about the fire,” D’Armond explained, “we were able to pinpoint exactly where the fire started. The Bible was literally at the flashpoint of the entire thing.”

What’s unclear at this time, however, is exactly how the Bible caught fire. There was no fuel, and weren’t any matches or other incendiary devices found near the Bible. It almost seems, D’Armond suggested, that “something totally unseen and unexplained” lit the Bible.

“It almost looks like a single, solitary lightning strike hit it,” D’Armond said. “As if the Bible itself were the target of someone or something’s wrath, know what I mean? It’s like as if someone saw that Bible, with Trump’s autograph on it, and it made them so outraged and upset they fired a lightning bolt at it. We don’t have any suspects at this time, but we’re working on several theories.”

Even once the culprit is found, D’Armond is not sure they’ll be charged with any crimes.

“It’s a pretty understandable thing to see a Bible signed by Trump and want it destroyed, because it literally makes no sense except if we’re living the bleakest, dumbest timeline possible,” D’Armond said. “Which, given who is President of the United States is, of course, a disticnt possiblity. Still, as sad as it is that the spire is gone, so the Trump Bible, which to us means the whole thing is kind of a wash.”

Neither God nor his son Jesus could be reached for comment. The White House declined to answer questions on the record for this story.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

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