Flaming Cross to Deliver 2020 RNC Keynote Address

Published on

CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA — Last week, the Democratic National Committee held its annual convention and officially nominated former Vice President Joe Biden as its candidate for the presidency. It was a convention for the record books, but not because of how many people were attendance; quite the opposite actually. The COVID-19 pandemic forced the DNC to move to a completely virtual convention, and the new format was met mostly with positive reviews.

MORE: In PA: President Trump Makes Concise, Organized, Intellectual Case for His Second Term

Today, the Republicans get their chance to hold their own virtual convention, this time for the sole purpose of nominating President Donald Trump for re-election. Current polling shows Trump has a tough road ahead of him; having just barely threaded a historically tight needle to win four years ago, and not having expanded his base in the last four years. Even long-held Republican mainstays like Georgia and Arizona have been put into play as possible toss-ups. There’s no doubt on the Hill that the White House wants and needs every speech delivered at this year’s RNC to be as close to a home run as possible.

The president is scheduled to speak all four nights, and his adult crotch fruit will all deliver speeches as well. However, word broke this morning that the Trump campaign, acknowledging their need to kick their machine into high gear, has decided to pull out all the stops, securing an appearance from one of the most popular figures among pro-Trump Republicans — a flaming cross.

“We are excited to announce a late addition to the lineup of speakers for this week’s truly bigly amazing Republican National Convention,” RNC deputy spokesperson Chad Beefington told reporters today. “If there’s one thing that Dear President’s supporters have in common, it’s a deep abiding love of flaming crosses. So when we were able to secure one to give the keynote address, we knew we had something truly special in store for everyone.”

The topics and theme of the flaming cross’s speech have not been announced, and Beefington said he wanted to “keep some stuff a surprise,” but regardless of the content of the address, the RNC thinks they’ve managed to book a speaker who will “enthrall, captivate, and inspire” the president’s base, Beefington announced.

“Very honestly it doesn’t matter that the flaming cross says,” Beefington mused, “because as soon as the president’s base sees its flames and realizes what they’re seeing, we’ll have whipped them into a frenzy the likes of which haven’t been seen since the first glorious shots fired on Ft. Sumter.”

MORE: Melania Trump Already Hard at Work Practicing Michelle Obama’s DNC 2020 Speech

Like what you read? Consider becoming a paid Facebook subscriber, signing up for my Patreon, or consider dropping a buck or two in my virtual tip jar, via my PayPal.Me account.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

[mc4wp_form id=”44349″]

Latest articles

Alabama Authorities Are Looking for Me Because They Found Out I Had a Wet Dream

"I can't tell you where I'm at, or how long I'll be here, but...

I Just Got a Sneak Peak at Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Signature Shoe Line

"I lied to him and told him that I was a friend of the...

Why Aren’t Liberals Grateful to Live in the World’s Most Exceptional Shooting Range?

The following editorial was written by right-wing commentator and former NRA executive board member...

What DO You Get The Horse-Faced Cave Troll Insurrectionist In Your Life for Valentine’s Day?

"...a lovely new feedbag might be the way to go. But she just signed...