Report: They’re Still Fighting Over the Fucking PS4 Controllers

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LOS CHICOS LUCHANDO, ARIZONA — There are more than one PS4 controller in their house, but each of the brothers at the center of a fiery argument that threatens to envelop the entire family want to use the same one. The older brother says he can’t use his headset on the blue controller. The younger brother says the blue controller is “wonky.” Therefore, both brothers are locked in a heated, pitched battle for who gets to use the black controller, and at the time of publication, it’s unclear just who will come out on top.

“I want to use the black controller,” shouts Joey, the younger brother. “The blue one is all wonky! Let me use the black one! You can use the computer!”

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Darren, the older brother, wasn’t having any of that.

“I’m not having any of that,” Darren said, “because I was just on my computer for the last two hours while you watched YouTube on the TV. It’s my turn for the TV, I want to play the PS4, and I’m going to use the black controller.”

There are five years that separate the two boys. Darren is 13 and will be 14 in a few months, Joey just turned 9. The two generally get along as long as one isn’t bothering the other one. However, a consistent, working definition of “bothering” has heretofore eluded Joey and Darren’s parents. All they know for certain is that certain shared household resources such as the TV, the gaming consoles, and the boys’ computer can trigger standoffs, rage fits, and tantrums the likes of which would shock even the most hardened of prison wardens.

“That’s bullshit, Darren! I want to use the PS4,” Joey said. “I haven’t got any game time yet today! You just had two hours of it. Can’t you just do something in your computer, or your phone for a couple hours? I don’t even have a phone.”

Darren was still not giving an inch.

“No way! You got to use the TV for two hours! You could have been playing the PS4 the whole time but you chose not to,” Darren shouted back. “You can just play on the computer, then you can have the PS4.”

After ten more minutes of shouting and back and forth, the boys thought they’d come up with a compromise. They’d both use the PS4 and choose a game they could play together. But after choosing the game, the fight erupted once more.

“Okay cool. Now, here’s your controller,” Darren said, handing Joey the blue one.

Joey howled his disagreement.

“No! No way man! I’m using the black controller,” Joey yelled back. “I don’t want to use the wonky one! You always make me use the wonky one!”

By the time of publication, neither brother had given an inch to the other. Their parents are currently holed up in the master bedroom, trying in vain to drown out the gnashing of teeth and the screaming at the top of lungs going on in the living room downstairs. With no end in sight, experts say this fight could rage on into the night.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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