Fauci Pronounces Trump ‘Dead From the Neck-Up’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — At a press conference this morning, Dr. Anthony Fauci pronounced the President of the United States of America “dead from the neck-up.”

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Fauci’s pronouncement marks a new point in his relationship with President Donald Trump, having been thrust into the spotlight and national discourse as part of the coronavirus pandemic response team. For weeks, Americans got used to seeing Fauci deliver the cold, hard, scientific information about COVID-19, while also giving the public some peace of mind and comfort, which seemed to elude the capabilities of nearly anyone else within the Trump administration. However, Fauci has been notably and noticeably absent from the briefings, which in and of themselves have grown more infrequent as the White House tries to pivot to a more positive message for the general election later this fall.

“It’s my sad duty to inform you that President Donald Trump is dead from the neck-up,” Fauci told reporters. “I have come to this conclusion after spending long, and frankly exhaustive hours working with and near President Trump. I can confirm without any doubt that his brain is what most of us could only recognize as dead.”

Fauci explained that “like other zombies,” however, just because Trump’s brain is dead, that doesn’t mean he has ceased functioning in “some ways that look almost human.”

“You’ll notice his stilted gait, for example, particularly when walking down gentle declines and ramps,” Fauci explained, “and spending just a few precious minutes listening to the words spewing, slurring, and exploding out of his puckered a-hole of a mouth are just further proof of what I’m telling you right here, and right now. Namely, that the president is brain dead.”

Despite being able to tell that Trump’s brain is not functioning normally, however, Fauci stopped short of making too many more pronouncements.

“Is he a brain dead moron? Perhaps, I can’t say. I’m not qualified to diagnose someone clinically as a moron. Is he racist and brain dead, though,” Fauci asked himself rhetorically. “I think the evidence more than speaks for itself, don’t you? I’m just saying that we saw this dude stare at the sun during an eclipse, so this is not some groundbreaking revelation we’re discussing here.”

Several outlets have reported that the president has grown wary of Fauci and that the White House has begun an attempt to discredit him. While it’s unclear why the administration would want to damage the reputation of a man they claimed just months ago was one of the country’s most important and informed sources of information on counsel on the pandemic, the tensions between Fauci and Trump’s ego could not be any clearer as of late.

The White House is making a concerted effort to discredit Dr. Anthony Fauci as he becomes increasingly vocal about his concerns over reopening the country amid a national surge in coronavirus cases. The moves to undercut Fauci come just days after he gave an unvarnished look at his relationship with President Donald Trump, including that they have not spoken in weeks.

The tension between the two men — who are no longer speaking, CNN reported last week — has grown publicly as they have responded to one another through interviews and statements. But recent moves by the White House to publicly diminish the nation’s top infectious disease expert amounts to a significant escalation as it seeks to divert attention from the government’s failure to contain the coronavirus and instead push Trump’s call to reopen the country. That effort continued Monday morning, when the President retweeted a baseless claim by game show host Chuck Woolery that “everyone is lying” about the coronavirus — including the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (CNN)

Dr. Fauci urged Americans not to view his statements as political, however. He insisted that his announcement of Trump’s brain death was “purely scientific and for the purposes of keeping the public informed.” Fauci said he has no desire to get involved in political fights.

“Maybe to some, everything is political. I personally wouldn’t want a leader who is more concerned about their career than my health and safety,” Fauci said, “but you do you, know what I mean? Some people just want to be told what they want to hear, and nothing else. Some people who are like that end up president, but all I can tell you is, with great certainty, that the man we are speaking in particular detail about now? He’s one of those guys, and he’s also got a bladder full of farts and conspiracy theories he calls a brain. That’s all I’m saying.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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