Fauci Warns Rand Paul With or Without a Mask, People Can Still Tell He’s a ‘Twat-Waffle’

Published on

WASHINGTON, D.C. — One thing has become increasingly clear over the last year — Senator Rand Paul (Q-KY) has some deeply-held animosity toward Dr. Anthony Fauci.

In more than one hearing in the Senate, Senator Paul, who is an ophthalmologist that chose to start his own certification board when he couldn’t pass the official one’s exam, has criticized Fauci. In many exchanges, Senator Paul has implied that Fauci isn’t “following the science,” and is instead engaging in politics in his advice to Americans to avoid being infected with the covid-19 virus. This morning, once more Fauci was insulted by Paul who this time told him that he was only wearing masks after being vaccinated as part of “political theater.”

MORE: Doughy Senator Defends White Supremacist’s Right to Mock Women Who Could Kick Their Asses

Fauci pushed back against those allegations hard and told Senator Paul the studies he cited were incomplete.

Perhaps exhausted from months of trolling by Paul, Fauci appeared to reach a zenith of his patience and finally unleashed on the Kentucky Qpublican.

“You know what, Randy? You can pretend to be a real doctor all you want, and you can self-certify to your heart’s content, but you can’t accuse me of not following the science when you haven’t held a job that requires to be a scientist in a long, long time,” Fauci said. “You can call my mask theater, and I can call you a dumbass for not wearing a mask. A selfish dumbass, but a dumbass nonetheless.”

Before Senator Paul could respond, Fauci continued.

“And here’s the thing, you rat’s nest-haired bumpkin-ass-motherfucker,” Fauci pushed on, “wear a mask, don’t wear a mask. I-D-G-A-F. About you. Because with or without a mask, everyone can tell you’re a twat-waffle anyway. So go out, get sick again, go spread the virus to all your friends in the Senate at the gym again, Randy. Just know that when you leave a room, literally everyone rolls their eyes and calls you a twat waffle. Do with that information what you will, ‘Doctor’ Paul.”

A stunned Senator Paul spluttered, fussed, but ultimately just teared up and ran out of the room, like the little bitch he is. Dr. Fauci said he’d ask Paul’s neighbor to check up on him later.

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.

MORE: Pepe Le Pew and Mr. Potato Head’s Penis Lead Early 2024 GOP Polls

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.


Latest articles

If I Don’t Have a Biden Flag, Biden Shoes, or Biden Bible, Am I Really Voting for Biden?

PROF. McTERRY: And who won the election? JAMES: Well, I don't fuck my cousin, so I know...

I Asked a Klansman If He’s Voting For Biden Since They’re Both Democrats. He Punched Me.

"Man, it's really true what they say about Democrats. They're snowflakes." We all know a...

For Conservatives, Fart Naps Are Quickly Replacing Power Naps

"While some might casually observe the irony in someone who belittles his opponent as...

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less...