WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, America’s most powerful elected twatwaffle held yet another klanpaign rally not so cleverly disguised as a vital press briefing on the federal government’s ongoing response to the COVID-19 pandemic outbreak.
For weeks now, the corpulent cockwart’s administration has grappled with mitigating and containing the spread of a virus that they had months of warning to prepare for, and since around the second week of the crisis, the fat fuck attention whore in chief has used the daily briefings from his coronavirus task force as makeshift rallies, given that so many states are still under shelter in place or stay at home orders, preventing his willfully ignorant, unwashed, ammo hoarding horde of couch potatriots from attending his rallies, which he’s held all during the time he was allegedly supposed to be governing and leading the nation.
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The issue of his TV ratings has often been at the forefront of the mushy lump of canned spam that he calls his “mind.” Just this week, the gargantuan tub of gelatinous fecal clay tweeted about his “great ratings” his “whole life.” The dipshit’s tweet, below:
I’ve had great “ratings” my whole life, there’s nothing unusual about that for me. The White House News Conference ratings are “through the roof”(Monday Night Football, Bachelor Finale , @nytimes) but I don’t care about that. I care about going around the Fake News to the PEOPLE!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 21, 2020
While President Tiny Hands McWantsToFuckHisOwnDaughter has tried to spin his administration’s response in a positive light, no matter how many ventilators he tried to help distribute, and no matter how much he blusters and tries to fit the entirety of his entire dick in his mouth during the press briefings, tens of thousands of Americans have already died from the disease. Now, the whining, self-aggrandizing, big baby bitch boy in an ill-fitting suit with a terribly unconvincing spray tan is facing withering criticism from people outside his ever-tightening circle of sycophantic surrogates for rushing Americans back to work before widespread testing or a vaccine for COVID-19 is available. Opening everything back up and removing restrictions too early could result in a second wave of infections, and could set the entire country back, but the white collar crook in the same colored big house on Pennsylvania Avenue has been touting the country’s economic strength — of which his contribution has been dubious to say the least — and he knows that a tanking or depressed economy could spell the end of his presidency, making him the first one-term president since George H.W. Bush lost to Bill Clinton in 1992.
During yesterday’s rally/press briefing, the reality-TV trust fund racist cocktail of Breitbart headlines and diarrhea tried to play down the number of Americans who have died from a COVID-19 related illness. He reasoned that the number of dead Americans compared to high the TV ratings for his briefings are indicates that “it’s not that big a deal” that so many have already perished. The single digit IQ’d, distemperate bag of assholes argued that until he sees the ratings for the briefings go down, “no one should even be talking about the dead.”
“This is why I call you all the FAKE NEWS ENEMIES OF THE PEOPLE! You’re all asking me mean, nasty questions about words I’ve said and things I’ve done in some weird, obsessed attempt to, like, hold me accountable or whatever,” President Mushroom Dick explained, “and that’s just said. It should be illegal, and Billy Barr says he’s working on that, but at the very least it’s incredibly rude to ask me these questions about people dying when my ratings are so high! Focus on the ratings, jerks!”
Pretending at first to be self-deprecating and humble, the rotund, racist, rambling misanthropic douche canoe stated that as soon as his TV ratings start to fall, he’ll reconsider caring about how many people die from COVID-19. Until that happens, however, the lifelong failure who would have been an aging, broke hate mongering conspiracy theorist if not for having been born into his parents’ wealth, which he proceeded to squander at every opportunity afforded to him said that he’d “go right on doing” what he’s has already been doing. The inept idiot and also possessor of the nation’s nuclear codes stated bluntly that the “numbers just aren’t high enough to tank the ratings yet.”
“Hey, I’m just a simple man with a simple view of things. I like my daughters hot, and I like my TV ratings bigly,” President Wrinkled Crotch Notch told the reporters in the briefing room. “Of course I feel sad for the people who have died, but thousands of people dying don’t hurt my fabulous TV ratings! Doesn’t that mean something? It should! I know it means something to me, and by law, like, literally in the Constitution or whatever it’s called, it therefore has to mean something to you all out there!”
Senator Lindsey Graham (R-Trump’s Bunghole) and Rep. Devin Nunes (R-Trump’s Taint) issued a joint press release following the press conference, praising the fat fuck attention whore’s “leadership” and his ratings.
“Literally the only things that matter from both a constitutional and a moral standpoint are the president’s TV ratings,” the press release states. “To that end, of course the president is right. His ratings are bigly, and the shallow mass graves Americans are being dumped into in certain parts of the country are all part of the fuel of our Dear President’s economy’s engine. Hail Him, our Dear President, he of the Holy Bone Spurs, Amen!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.
