SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Facebook announced today that former President Donald Trump’s suspension will continue for two years, after which he is “free to attempt to subvert democracy” on their platform.
“We think that it’s totally probable that Donald Trump has, at long last, learned a lesson about accountability and not being allowed to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants,” Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg said in a blog post. “But just to be sure, we’re going to put him on a two-year timeout, in case he needs a little more time to sit and think about what he’s done.”
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Zuckerberg also posted a PDF document of the official statement from Facebook, indicating that “if former President Trump wishes to use Facebook to destroy American self-governance,” he will need to wait out his full two-year banishment. This would sideline Trump’s input, on Facebook, during the 2022 mid-term election cycle. However, it would conceivably allow him to get his account back, just as he was preparing to lose the popular vote a third time.
“Facebook, since its inception has been devoted to one guiding principle — making Mark Zuckerberg a lot of money. Also rating chicks by their looks, but mostly making Mark shitloads of cash,” Facebook wrote. “That’s why we simply cannot boot someone like Don Trump off our site, not when he brings in so much ad revenue from mouth-breathing and incestuous Americans. However, if he wishes to use Facebook to subvert democracy, he’ll need to wait two whole years before trying it again.”
Perhaps predictably, it didn’t take the former president very long to respond to Facebook’s decision. Though he shut his personal blog site down this week, Trump was able to find a crayon and handwrite a letter, which he had Jason Miller, his spokesdouche, tweet out. Printed below, is Trump’s angry response to Facebook continuing his ban.
Sad. Just sad. Apparently Facebook is unaware that as president I enjoyed TOTAL IMMUNITY from social media rules. They are also apparently think I should be kicked off their site after just ONE failed coup, when we all know that according to baseball rules it’s “Thee coups and you’re out.” Oh well, their loss.
In just a few weeks, I will be REINSTATED as president, Michael Flynn will be Czar of Social Media Cleansing, and we will make you ALL pay for this. Or we won’t. Either way, my idiots — excuse me — my followers should send money to my campaign using one of those apps Matt Gaetz used to buy underage poon with.
I never lie. Maybe I stretch the truth to the breaking point. Maybe I spew things that are fact than they are delusional fever dream. But I never lie.
And this silly idea that I am a danger to society? EXCUSE ME?! How can someone make that kind of judgement based on ONE failed insurrection that killed a few people? You’re telling me that I’m a danger just because I convince gullible people to commit violent acts of treason?!
Never fear, my beautiful Deplorable MAGAs. I will be launching TrumpFace soon. It’ll be our own social media site, and you can post all the n-word jokes, theories about how Sleepy Doe-Deepy Biden stole the election from me, and hopefully, nudes of MY DAUGHTER IVANKA that you want. I promise. It’s coming. Right after we finish Infrastructure Week.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.
