WARNING: This story is only true on Facebook, and other parts of the Internet where facts and truth are less important than making evangelical Christians feel okay about being bigoted and angry all the time. In places and spaces where facts, truth, and reality matter, this story is as factual as a PragerU video.
A lot of folks might think that it took the re-election of Donald Trump to bring together bitter rivals, social media CEOs Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg. That’s not too far a stretch, considering that in the months leading up to the election, the two broligarchs were threatening to beat each other up in a pay-per-view match. But now, since 77 million Americans decided that democracy and self-governance were overrated, Zuck and Musk have both been cozying up to Trump, with the Facebook CEO even agreeing recently to dismantle Meta’s fact-checking system, allowing for the free-flow of right-wing propaganda once more on those sites.
The 2024 election, though, was not what really brought Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg, and Donald Trump together first, however. It was their shared love of sailing, and nobody brought them together to sail like deceased billionaire Jeffrey Epstein.
Most people know that Trump and Epstein were friends going way back. In fact, just before the election, news outlets reported on a 2018 interview in which Epstein claimed to be one of Trump’s only and best friends. The picture below quite famously shows Trump and his party buddy dancing and grooving to the music together. So Trump and Jeffrey Epstein being friends is something that is true both on Facebook, and in other parts of the Internet where truth and facts matter.
We’ve also seen evidence that Elon Musk is an apartheid baby with ties to Epstein, as evidenced by this photo, here.
Perhaps the surprising or shocking element of this only-true-on-Facebook-and-Twitter story is the connection made between Musk, Epstein, Trump, and Mark Zuckerberg. Heretofore, it was not known if Zuckerberg had a relationship with Epstein, but now that he doesn’t truly care about truth or facts on his websites anymore, we can confirm that he and Jeffrey Epstein were close, personal friends who spent lots of time at Chuck E. Cheese and the mall together. Still, as surprising as that fact is, the really interesting thing is that one day all four men spent a lot of time together out on the Atlantic Ocean, sailing.
How do we know about this momentous day? Zuckerberg recorded it all on his personal blog at the time, Fuckin’ Zuckin’ It. Imagine our surprise when we randomly came upoon the blog. We’ve decided to reprint a small excerpt from a post titled “Rub-A-Dubdub, Four Rich, White Pedos in a Tub.”
When I arrived at the docks, I found Elon and Donald were already there, helping Jeff get the boat ready. I was so excited. I’d never been to Jeff’s island before, but from everything that Trump had told me about it, I knew I was going to like what I found there. You see, the corporate culture might be too neutered these days, but the culture on Epstein Island was always masculine as you could get, and I couldn’t wait to teach the girls on the island how to spell “masculine” once we arrived.
It was about a ninety-minute boat ride from the docks to Jeff’s island. On the way, we got kinda bored and horny, so we decided, “What the heck?” and we started what I would call the most sensual and erotic circle jerk-suck-and-fuck in modern history. But that’s a story for another time…
The rest of Zuckerberg’s blog post gets into the details of his time on Epstein Island. Because we’re gross, but not evil and disgusting, we won’t reprint those details here. But since this story is only true on Facebook and Twitter, we encourage you to let your imagination really run wild, because it’s all true. At least, it might as well be true in a world where facts and truth don’t matter.
Right, Mark?
