I don’t really want to go to jail because I couldn’t figure out how to wrangle my wife’s genitals into their holding pen before January 20th.
Okay, I get it.
A scant plurality of Americans decided that democracy was fun, but kaki-klepto-idi-ocracy is better, and that means a lot of stuff’s going to change. I have to just accept that reality. I need to work within the new paradigm.
If I’m being honest, I’m a little worried about all the new responsibilities I’m going to have when MAGA’s Second Reich takes over in January. One of those responsibilities seems extremely daunting to me. I’m not really sure by that time I’ll have everything in my life situated to where I can take care of it.
It takes a lot of bandwidth and infrastructure to become your wife’s dictator.
Don’t get me wrong, I understand that starting in January, in America™ we won’t get a say in a lot of things, and women even less so. He’s going to protect them whether they want it or not, and that will require me to be the long arm of the tiny hand of the law for him.
I also understand that once he takes power in January, the newly re-elected Rapist/Defamer in Chief will grant me exclusive territorial rights over all my wife’s life, including her body and any choices related to it in order to be his Deputized, Designated Pussy Grabber. But, honestly, I just did a refi on my house, and a lot of my time and energy and focus is going to be spent making sure I can keep paying my mortgage, and putting food on the table.
I don’t know that I’ll have the mental bandwidth to dictate everything to my wife.
So, is there like some kind of legal extension I can file? Do I have to start being a sexist authoritarian dictator on day one, when they hand me the deed and title to my wife’s vagina, or can I ask for a little more time to get my ducks in a row? I don’t really want to go to jail because I couldn’t figure out how to wrangle my wife’s genitals into their holding pen before January 20th, know what I mean?
I don’t really want to have much interaction with any of that regime, but even if I have to personally send a letter to Trump’s chief of staff, I will. Hell…Even if I have to get in touch with Stephen Miller, I’ll…
…you know what?
Maybe it’d be worth just going to jail for a few years instead, now that I think of it. But if it’s anyone other than Stephen Miller I need to work with, I’ll do it. Just let me know, if you know.
Watch an episode of our sketch comedy show, Into the Garbage Chute:
